Console: Sega Genesis
Ranking in Sega Genesis Top 50: 45th
Genre: Budgetary Misdeeds
Words can’t accurately convey just how insane Chase HQ 2 is, so today Stryker and I will be discussing some screenshots.
Brad: We were going to write a long article about what made us like Chase HQ 2 enough to include it on our Genesis Tournament, but as soon as I took this screenshot, I realized we wouldn’t have to. Everything you need to know about why this game is awesome can be seen in this picture.
Stryker: Every game designer should keep this picture somewhere on their desk, with the quote “More like this.” That’s the problem with games these days – too many cutscenes, pretentious narratives, and failed attempts at being highbrow, and not nearly enough chasing purple vans in a Ferrari while guys shoot rocket launchers at you.
Brad: The next time you hear about your local elected officials wasting a bunch of taxpayer money on some kind of foolish public works project that does more harm than good, just be thankful you don’t live in whatever city Chase HQ 2 takes place in. In the wake of a huge surge in crime, they decided to take bold action. So did they hire more police officers? Install security cameras? Invest in community watch programs? No. They bought the cops a Ferrari.
Stryker: And not just is that they didn’t just buy any ol’ “normal” Ferrari either. Not a 308 or a Testarossa that only costs a mere couple of hundred thousand dollars. No, they went all out and got the F40, the million-dollar street legal race car of which fewer than 1,500 were ever made.
Brad: It’s so rare and so expensive that it’s really more like a work of art than a vehicle – a little piece of automotive history that should probably be displayed in museum or, failing that, rammed into a criminal’s getaway car at over 200mph.
Brad: See? This is why you shouldn’t build bridges at sea level.
Stryker: And since they spent all their money on the Ferrari, the city hasn’t been able to put up guard rails.
Brad: The Ferrari which, it’s worth pointing out, the cops aren’t even using here. Remember when you were a kid and your parents would buy you an expensive toy, but then, because it was expensive, they expected you to play with it 24/7? I kinda feel like that’s how the taxpayers would feel about the police department’s F40.
Stryker: “I don’t care if you need 4 wheel drive to get through the water on the incredibly dangerous bridge we built! We spent good money on that Ferrari, and you’re going to drive it!”
Stryker: Apparently, instead of constructing overpasses, the city decided that simply putting a ramp in the middle of the road any place where two freeways intersect was a viable alternative.
Brad: Really though, the citizens should have expected this when they made Evel Knievel their Highway Commissioner.
Brad: Aha! So that’s what became of the blue guy from Double Dragon! He went on to become a police officer.
Stryker: Both games have a Taito connection, so that’s sort of possible, I guess. And the way he’s pointing at himself almost seems to say “Yeah, that’s right, I’m the guy from from Double Dragon.”
Brad: Apparently, the entire police force consists of four people. When you consider one is the chief and another the dispatcher, this means that blue guy and the dude with the mustache are the only 2 patrol officers.
Stryker: Well, as long as all the crime in the city is being run by the Shadow Boss, it ought to be enough.
Brad: Even so, I’m sensing some misplaced priorities here. In addition to the Ferrari, they also have the option to drive either an SUV or a semi, meaning that the police force actually has more cars than they do officers to drive them.
Stryker: Perhaps when the mayor hired his budget director, he shouldn’t have gone with the guy who just drew pictures of cars all over the job application.
Brad: Illegal practices? Is that what you do while you’re trying to get better at breaking the law?
Stryker: Hmm, back when I played little league baseball, the league had rules on how often the coaches could hold practices, so that there wouldn’t be any dictator-style coaches who would work the kids night and day to create of superteam of miserable, but unbeatable baseball players. Maybe they’re arresting him for breaking that rule.
Brad: Or maybe he was the coach of a dog fighting team.