Biohazard Battle

Storylines in shooters are kind of a tough proposition.  It’s not easy to come up with a logical reason why a military force would attempt a strategy of trying to defeat an entire space armada with one lone ship. On top of that, whatever convoluted reason the story writer does come up with for justifying this course of action better be pretty damn concise, because nobody wants to invest more than thirty seconds of their time into reading the narrative to what’s essentially a prettied up version of Galaga.

Ironically, one of the few games in this genre to come up with a decent story is also one of the most popularly mocked – Zero Wing.  The game had a story that actually kind of made sense – your flagship was attacked without warning, and only your fighter managed to escape in time – but this story of sneak attacks and revenge was lost amidst the translation that famously gave us phrases like “All your base are belong to us” and “Someone set up us the bomb.”

Oh, Zero Wing, you’ve given us so much over the years.

Biohazard Battle doesn’t take any time to explain its story in-game, and since this one came to us without any box or instructions, we don’t have that to use as source material.  From playing the game, we’ve been able to determine that this is the story of four fish/insect monsters who like to spend their time flying around planets while getting shot at by bugs.  And while there’s a part of me that would really like to see what kind of convoluted logic it would take have that make sense, I think it’s probably better off if I don’t.

Part of the reason is that, although in the back of my mind I know that there is almost certainly a long, detailed Wikipedia entry for Biohazard Battle, until I see it, I can deny it.  Were I to confirm the fact that at least one person felt the need to add a lengthy Biohazard Battle entry to the online encyclopedia, whatever little faith in humanity I still have left would be destroyed.  So never underestimate the power of denial.  In this case, ignorance isn’t just bliss, it’s essential.

Much as I hate to admit it, someone out there probably wrote a 7,000 word Wikipedia entry on THIS.

The other main reason I don’t bother finding out the “real” story to this game is that the story the designers came up with will probably be a big letdown compared to all the crazy theories Stryker and I have come up with while playing it.  Some cliché story about alien planets or mutant lifeforms is going to pale in comparison to plotlines like “World’s Hardest Pizza Delivery”, “Revenge of the Tuna Monster”, or “This is Just What Andy Dick Sees Every Time He Closes His Eyes”.

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