Rocket Knight Adventures

Brad: One thing that has consistently been a source of shame for me over the last 20 years is that I don’t really know how to do the Humpty Dance.  This was particularly frustrating because about a third of the song is dedicated solely to giving you instructions on how to do it.  Worse yet, the other two thirds were mostly about how awesome the dance itself was, which only served to make me want to master it more.  This, I assumed, would be the key to me becoming able to get busy in a Burger King bathroom.  But even with the prospect of unlimited lavatory sex in fast food restaurants hovering just out of reach, I still couldn’t get the hang of it.  If you pay attention to some of the lines from the song though, it’s not hard to figure out what the problem is.  For example:

It’s supposed to look like a fit or a convulsion

You look like MC Hammer on crack, Humpty

No two people will do it the same / You got it down when you appear to be in pain

Think about that – the “no two people will do it the same” part is pretty much an acknowledgment that there really isn’t a Humpty Dance at all – notice he’s not saying no two people will do it exactly the same, it’s more like nobody is doing the same thing at all.  Just do whatever you want and call it the Humpty-Hump.  The rest of the descriptions make it sound like you just get on the dance floor and start spazzing out, then once people begin holding you down and trying to keep you from swallowing your own tongue, you’re doing it right.  It’s supposed to look like a convulsion?  I was under the impression that how you dance is supposed to be an indication of how you are in bed – I heard that in a Will Smith movie, so it must be true.  If that’s the case, then the Humpty Dance seems like a trick to scare all the women away from you and into the arms of the non-Humpty Dancing members of the Digital Underground.  So yeah, thanks Humpty, but I didn’t really need instructions on how to dance like a white person.  Kinda knew that one already.

Rocket-Knight-Adv004

In Brad’s mind, this has something to do with the Humpty Dance.

The point is, the Humpty Dance actually isn’t a very good dance at all.  You just think it is because throughout the song he keeps telling you how great it is.  What the hell does this have to do with Rocket Knight Adventures?  Well, it’s the same idea – I had never played RKA before doing this project, but I assumed it was good, because everyone kept telling me it was.  And when I first started playing it, I already believed them.  But after a while I came to realize that it really wasn’t anything special.  That’s not to say that its bad, just kind of average, and the sequel does pretty much everything better.

Stryker: We’re not very big on sequels here, so for more than one entry from the same series to make the Top 100, both have to really amazing.  And that’s just for normal games.  For two games starring an opossum knight with rocket powered armor to make the list… well, science has not advanced enough yet to be able to calculate just how awesome both of those games would have to be.  We’ll drop this one and grant a Seal of Quality to its successor.

Mr. Do!: This game kinda sucked, but I will always remember it for helping me discover that there’s a Wikipedia category for “Fictional opossums”.

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