Tiny Toon Adventures: ACME All-Stars

Brad: I just want to start by saying that a 3-on-3 combination soccer/basketball tournament sounds like enough fun that I’m kind of surprised they don’t have them in real life.  The soccer field would have to be a lot smaller obviously, but it sounds like fun.

Stryker: The game never explained why Buster and friends wanted to win the tournament so badly.  They never come off as the jock type in the cartoon show, so it’s kind of hard to imagine them getting so wrapped up in a sporting event.

Tiny Toons All-Stars001Hampton stands cluelessly under the net and gets ready to let Furball shoot uncontested.

Brad: I’m going to reach deep into my bag of favorite 80s movie clichés and assume that they need to win the tournament to get the prize money so that can save something from being bulldozed and turned into a golf course for the super-rich.  Maybe the Looniversity itself; although it wouldn’t make much sense that the school would host a sports tournament and put up the money it needs to survive as the grand prize.

Stryker: It’s possible that you’re putting too much thought into this storyline that you just completely made up and wasn’t actually part of the game to begin with.

Brad: Perhaps.  Either way though, they’re going to have their work cut out for them, going up against Montana Max.

Stryker: He’s the show’s top heel.  And he has money.  In fact, that’s the only thing they ever say about him in the theme song.

Brad: With all his money, he ought to be able to put together an all-star team of high-priced free agents.  Kind of like the New York Yankees.

Stryker: Except he’ll only sign them if they’re also villains.

Brad: Ok, so more like the Philadelphia Flyers, then.

Stryker: Luckily, the roster of Tiny Toons bad guys is kinda thin.  He’s got Dizzy Devil on the team, but that’s the only real big threat.

Brad:Aside from that his team was the skunk character who I don’t remember the name of, and Furball.  Was Furball even a bad guy?

Stryker: According to the song, “Furball’s unlucky.”  I don’t know that it makes him a bad guy, though.

Brad:Are you looking these up, or do you just know the Tiny Toons song by heart?

Stryker: I… um… shut up.

Brad: Anyway, a backcourt of a skunk and alley cat isn’t going to score you a lot of points, even if one of them gets to spend most of the game being guarded by Hampton.

Stryker: Speaking of which, maybe I’m expecting a bit much out of a Tiny Toons sports game, but it seemed like nobody  knew how to play defense.  Basketball especially – I don’t know if anybody could prevent a fast break.

Brad: Yeah, and you can’t leave Buster Bunny alone under the hoop the whole game and expect to win.  He’ll eat you up.

Tiny Toons All-Stars002

Stop it!  Two of you are participating in this game.  This is why nobody takes women’s sports seriously.

Stryker: At least whatever they lacked in defensive know-how, they made up for in cheating.  At one point, Dizzy turned into a tornado and wiped out two of my guys to set up an easy lay-up.  How’s that legal?

Brad: Two of my soccer goals came by knocking down the goalie and then kicking the ball into the open net.  The rest of the time I spent tripping whoever had the ball, while the computer did the same to me.  This was a lot dirtier than I expected for a Tiny Toons game, and probably not a great way to teach kids sportsmanship.

Stryker: I’ve seen prison soccer games that were cleaner than this.

Brad: No you haven’t.

Stryker: It was in a movie.  On the Spanish channel.

Brad: You don’t watch the Spanish channel.

Stryker: I was at a Mexican restaurant.

Brad: Anyway, the low point of the cheating had to be in between games when Montana Max actually ran one of the other players over with a car.  Now that’s a rivalry – even Michigan and Ohio State never go Car-Fu on each other.

Tiny Toons All-Stars005

Tiny Toons All-Stars006

Montana Max is a student of the Marshawn Lynch School of driving.

Stryker: And it wasn’t all cartoony, either.  Not like when Elmer shoots Daffy at point blank range and spins his beak around.  This actually looked kind of like a real hit and run.

Brad: I guess the equivalent would be if Elmer blew Daffy’s head clean off… or maybe not so cleanly.

Stryker: Could you imagine that happening in real life?  Like two players from the Washington Redskins are walking into the stadium and suddenly, out of nowhere – BOOM!  Jerry Jones drives up and nails one of them with his car?

Brad: Hmm…  the more I think about it, the only part of that I find hard to believe is Jerry Jones driving his own car.  The rest actually seems pretty feasible to me.

Stryker: So anyway, what did you think of the game?

Brad: It was ok, but got old pretty fast.  The whole “no defense” thing made it pretty repetitive, and the only thing that kept the soccer games reasonable was the presence of super goalies, which isn’t much fun.

Stryker: Not the best Tiny Toons game, not the best arcade basketball game, and not the best dirty soccer game.  FIFA ’95 is a lot more fun and comes with a “shove” button.  Mediocre times three still equals mediocre.  Let’s get rid of it.

Brad: Agreed.

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