After seven months of doing this, we’re a little sick of writing, and you’re probably a bit sick of reading. So we took 10 games that are bad, but not really bad in any way interesting enough to write about at length, tried to find some screenshots that illustrated their awfulness, and then Stryker and I provided a little bit of commentary. I’ll spare you the tired cliche about a picture being worth a thousand words and instead tell you that putting up screenshots is about a million times easier than writing anything.
Brad: I’d like to think that this is how all illegal, underground fights end – with the winner triumphantly standing on a forklift while the crowd throws money under him and compliments him on how studly he is.
Stryker: What this screenshot doesn’t show is that sometimes during the fight, a hooker will run out of the crowd and starts stabbing the shit out of you for no reason. As crazy as that sounds, it’s probably a lot closer to a real street fight than games like Street Fighter, which make fighting seem organized and kind of glamorous.
Brad: This game begins with one of the greatest introductions scenes ever – a dude with a machine gun riding on the hood of a jeep while his heavy metal friend drives. Things go downhill from there, but really, who could keep up that level of awesomeness for very long?
Stryker: In a perfect world, this is exactly how I would get to work every morning.
Stryker: Wacky Worlds is one of those children’s art-making games that probably should have been disqualified before we even started this project. But since we failed to do that, we went ahead and drew this picture for you.
Brad: We were trying to recreate the first level of Doom. I think it came out pretty well.
Brad: What the hell? I know we’ve been brainwashed over the years into believing that we’re not supposed to care about a game’s graphics, but seriously, this game looks like it was made for the Atari 2600.
Stryker: This is a “crime simulator” in which you break into buildings and shoot cops in the back like in Grand Theft Auto. But unlike GTA, parent’s groups never protested it – probably because nobody could figure out what was supposed to be going on.
Batman: Revenge of the Joker
Stryker: Holy vampires, Batman! We’ve somehow ended up in the NES version of Castlevania!
Brad: My favorite part of this game is that when Batman dies, he fucking explodes.
Stryker: Last Battle is kind of like Altered Beast except you don’t get to turn into a Werewolf and it isn’t any fun.
Brad: The awfulness of the dialogue is pretty representative of the rest of the game, too.
Brad: Every time I look at “Growl”, the first thought that pops into my head is “Chewbacca would be the worst telemarketer ever.”
Stryker: If you could imagine two very inept Russian spies in the 1980s trying to disguise themselves as American teenagers, they would look exactly like Sadie and Ray.
The Incredible Crash Test Dummies
Brad: The whole fucking game is like this.
Stryker: I hear the writers for this game eventually got jobs writing children’s birthday cards.
Bubble and Squeak
Brad: This screenshot actually shows a part where I got trapped, couldn’t move, and ended up slowly drowning. I’m being totally honest when I say that is my biggest real-life fear in the entire world. So nice job giving me nightmares for the next month, Bubble and Squeak.
Stryker: The entire game is based around the premise of guiding your idiot friend through the levels. You know, because what everyone wanted was an entire game of nothing but escort missions.
Stryker: You can’t exactly tell just by looking at it, but in this screenshot, we’ve just picked up a a weapon that shoots in the opposite direction from whatever you press on the control pad. If there’s a more counterproductive power-up in the history of shooters, I can’t even imagine it.
Brad: Defender used to have a button called “Hyperspace” which, 90% of the time that you pressed it, would kill you instantly. I used to refer to it as the “Fuck You” button. Guess what – that’s still more useful than Whip Rush’s opposite direction cannon.