WWF Raw

By now we’ve already eliminated 2 other WWF games that were almost identical to WWF Raw, so there isn’t much more to say. I mean, really – bad wrestling game that relies too much on button mashing, and stars crappy wrestlers nobody remembers anymore. There, all done. That seems kind of short though, so me and Stryker decided to go one step further and review a few of the wrestlers in the game individually.

WWF Raw002

Vince and King look at each other in confusion at Doink’s first appearance

Luna Vachon

Brad: You know, I was just thinking that the problem with the last two WWF games for the Genesis was that they didn’t give you a chance to beat the hell out of a woman.

Stryker: I know you’re joking, but there was probably a small part of the WWF audience who watched her matches specifically for that reason.

Brad: It’s hard to look at the entire history of pro wrestling, and pick one moment and say “That was the worst, most rednecky moment in wrestling”, but if you’re right, that might be it. Either that or when Golddust was a bad guy. The whole idea was you were supposed to hate him because he was gay. Remember when he fought Rowdy Roddy Piper, and Piper was like “I’m gonna beat up that sissy!” and all the fans we’re like “Yeah! Go beat up that gay guy!”

Stryker: Yeah, but at least you weren’t supposed to be cheering against Luna only because she was a woman. She did other things to be a heel. The idea wasn’t just to enjoy watching some giant dude beat up a woman.

Brad: Wait, did Luna wrestle against men, or only other women?

Stryker: Honestly, I never saw her at all. This game came out right in the middle of a 6 year window during which I tried to forget pro wrestling even existed. Not unlike right now, actually.

WWF Raw000

Wait, is that a woman?

Yokozuna

Stryker: I think the fact that Yokozuna didn’t win the Royal Rumble every year is all the proof you need that wrestling is fake.

Brad: Actually, any doubt I had was settled the first time I watched a barber wrestle a cowboy. You try to explain how that would ever happen naturally.

Stryker: Some kind of war against mullets?

Brad: Unlikely, considering that the barber in question had one himself.

Stryker: Maybe their jobs had nothing to do with it. Like you could go to hockey and get into a fight with another player, and it would just be a hockey fight.

Brad: Yeah, but I wouldn’t be billing myself as Brad “The Internet Writer” vs. “The Mall Employee”. The fact that these two wrestler’s professions were their gimmicks implies that them fighting was somehow related to their jobs.

Stryker: Then Yokozuna’s gimmick actually made sense, since he was supposed to be a sumo wrestler.

Brad: Well, it made sense right up until the moment he fought an Undertaker and when things started going badly, an IRS agent ran in and saved him.

Lex Luger

Stryker: What was this? An attempt to fill in as the “patriotic guy” after Hulk left?

Brad: I always thought it was an attempt to fill in as the “steroids guy” after Hulk left.

Stryker: It’s bad enough that it’s almost all white guys in this game, but Lex has to be the most cracker-tastic white wrestler ever.

Brad: You mean, besides the Honky Tonk Man.

Stryker: Well, obviously. But the point is – did the WWF even have any black guys back then?

Brad: This was probably pre-Farooq and Ahmed Johnson, but I think they had Mabel.

Stryker: Who the hell is Mabel?

Brad: He was this heavy black wrestler who came out to this bad, generic-sounding rap music with police sirens in the background. I don’t remember, but I’d guess his gimmick was that he was a criminal. The WWF made all their black wrestlers be criminals.

Stryker: Typically enlightened approach for the woman-beatin’, gay-bashin’ wrestling federation.

Brad: I’m just surprised they didn’t just go for the racist trifecta and have his finishing move involve basketball somehow.

1-2-3 Kid

Stryker: What the hell? What was the WWF thinking?

Brad: It’s the 1-2-3 Kid. You know, Syxx.

Stryker: They must have been preparing the fans for his tremendous amount of suck with his song.

Brad: Yeah. It must have been easy to recreate on the Genesis, because it already sounds like the music in a Genesis game. A BAD genesis game.

Stryker: It kinda has the Undertaker’s riff in it. I think Jimmy Hart used the same loop with a different tempo, like some kind of a late 80s, early 90s Wesley Willis.

Brad: You ever see when Neil Young was touring with Pearl Jam, and they would get to the part where Neil Young was supposed to play a solo, except he couldn’t, so he just beat the hell out of his guitar for a few minutes? It sounds kind of like that.

Bret Hart

Brad: Tell me his song doesn’t sound like the music a stripper would dance to 20 years ago. Or even now, for that matter. People who had never seen wrestling before must have been really confused when a big guy in a leather jacket came out to this song. It’s totally stripper music.

Stryker: That was back when Jimmy Hart wrote all of the music!

Brad: Yeah, how did that work? Was he just the music guy, and then one day they’re like, “Hey Jimmy, you’re last name is Hart too. Go manage the Hart Foundation.”

Stryker: He was the Mouth of the South.

Brad: Managing two Canadiens.

Stryker: And he still got to be music guy.

Undertaker

Brad: I always liked when he was an undertaker, and they acted like wrestling was just something undertakers do. Like it was a normal part of the job.

Stryker: And his manager was Paul Bearer, but he wasn’t actually a pall bearer.

Brad: And nobody ever stopped and went “Wait, this is insane.”

Bam Bam Bigelow

Brad: He probably would have been pretty intimidating if he didn’t wear what looked like little kid pajamas.

WWF Raw001

Nice outfit, hobo.

Stryker: Yeah, I mean, he’s this gigantic, bar-room brawler with tattoos on his head, a beard, and some missing teeth. But it looked like he was wearing some kind of low-budget superhero costume. Like one of those Halloween costumes you see at the dollar store, and it has a name like “Action Man”.

Hey, Remember his 3 week reign as ECW champion, where he won the belt from Shane Douglas and lost it back to him less than a month later.

Brad: Seriously, what was the point of that? Was Bam Bam was trying to impress a girl, so they let him “borrow” the title for a little while?

Owen Hart

Brad: Hmmm, it’s kind of hard to say anything bad about Owen Hart, considering the tragic way he died.

Stryker: Oh, don’t be a pansy. Raul Julia died right after filming Street Fighter, and you didn’t see critics lining up to heap praise on his portrayal of M. Bison.

Brad: That’s true, and it’s not like Owen fell from the rafters and smashed his face on the magical turnbuckle of not-sucking.

Stryker: Dude…

Brad: What? You told me to make fun of him.

Stryker: I said make fun of him, not make fun of him dying in the middle of a show. What the fuck is wrong with you?

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