Superman

Brad: So let me see if I have this straight. In this Superman game, you can’t fly, you don’t have any eye lasers, and you get hurt if people walk into you.

Stryker: Watch out, Lex Luthor.

Brad: I understand that if you made a Superman game where he had all his powers, it would probably be pretty easy, but it seems like Sunsoft could have done a better job of disguising how badly they had gimped the character. Maybe give the bad guys some kryptonite lasers or something.

Stryker: Or just do like Superfriends and have him forget that he has any powers until the last level or something.

Superman000

Great Scott! I’m on the wrong building.  If only I had a way to get over there… and fast!

Brad: Honestly, I never really got the appeal of Superman in the first place – he can do almost anything and the only thing that can kill him is this super-rare mineral from a destroyed planet, so he’s pretty much a god. Where’s the fun in that? No matter what he’s up against, the comic book writers could just invent a new power to stop it and it wouldn’t even seem cheap. Everyone would be like “Well, of course he can do that, he’s Superman.”

Stryker: Well of course he managed to get decent customer service from Verizon, he’s Superman.

Brad: Of course his Xbox 360 didn’t RRoD and almost burn his house down, he’s Superman.

Stryker: Of course Time Warner actually gives him all the HD channels he’s paying for – he’s Superman.

Brad: Well, of course he bought a game at Gamestop without being harassed about reserving 10 other upcoming titles – he’s Superman.

Stryker: Oh c’mon, NOBODY is that powerful.

Brad: Yeah, seriously. You know they asked me if I wanted to reserve a copy of Madden the other day. It’s April.

Stryker: Yeah, last year when I went to pick up my reserved copy of Madden, they had enough extra copies that they built a maze out of them in the parking lot. So no, Gamestop, I’m not too worried about it being sold out on release day.

Brad: Besides, when’s the last time you played Madden and thought “Gee, I sure am glad I paid full price for this?”

Stryker: It’s been at least 4 years. Maybe longer. Wait, we’re supposed to be talking about Superman, right?

Brad: Yeah… So, anyway, it’s bad enough to make a Superman game where he can’t fly, but if you’re going to do that, maybe you shouldn’t call attention to it by having the first level be on the rooftops. I kept thinking – why didn’t I land closer to the enemy base, where there are fewer people trying to kick my ass?

Stryker: And if you’re not going to let Superman have his eye lasers, or freeze breath, or X-ray vision, you probably shouldn’t give him a “special attack” in the game that’s just a really slow punch.

Brad: I always thought it would be cool if Superman used his X-ray vision to give bad guys cancer.

Stryker: Hmm… now I’m wondering how many innocent people he’s inadvertently done that to. Probably a lot. Metropolis has sky-high cancer rates, and they keep blaming it on the smog.

Brad: You can’t make a game where Superman is completely invincible, but is it really asking too much that he not take damage every time somebody bumps into him? I mean, I walked around the crowded streets of Manhattan before without dying, and I’m just a normal guy.

Stryker: Just imagine the Legion of Doom coming up with a plan to create millions of evil drones with the sole purpose of having them walk into Superman until he dies.

Brad: You would even need the Legion of Doom for that. Just a large enough group of people who have a reason to hate Superman. I can see the Daily Bugle headline now – “Superman Jostled to Death at Benefit for Cancer Patients.”

Stryker: You know, I’m just thinking about this game – the lack of superpowers, the rooftop levels, the emphasis on hand-to-hand fighting… Maybe Clark Kent and Bruce Wayne got their outfits mixed up at the drycleaners.

Brad: Right now, Sunsoft’s working on a game where Batman flies around giving people cancer.

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