We were on patrol near the Federation/Romulan neutral zone when we received a distress signal from a nearby planet. I had Lt. Data call up the signal immediately, but due to a user error, the message was accidentally closed before we had a chance to scroll down and read any of it. We were unable to access it a second time, and for some reason, our computers had saved no record of it. This strikes me as patently ridiculous. My cell phone is still storing text messages Cmdr Riker sent me inviting me to his swingers party last summer, yet our high-tech starship somehow can’t keep a record of a distress call? I made this observation on the bridge, and ordered the crew to look into having all communications with the ship forwarded to my cell phone as text messages, in order that we may have at least some record of them.
Android or not, Data looks extremely uncomfortable in his chair
I wanted to beam down immediately, but Lt. Cmdr. Data informed me that the planet we were orbiting was not actually the planet from which the distress call came from, nor was it safe for a landing party. I then brought the crew into the Ready Room, and ordered them to take us to the planet in question. They responded by looking at me blankly until the woman with the cleavage finally explained to me that nobody actually knows how to fly the damn ship, and that I’m basically going to have to do everything by myself. This would be less of a problem if not for the fact that I have no idea what the hell I’m doing.
I spent the next 15 minutes stumbling around the bridge attempting to figure out how the hell to plot a course to the planet we needed to get to. I think I managed to hide my confusion by pretending to take an inordinate interest in the engineering screens, and then accessing the computer to read up on the Romulans, and try to figure out why they hate us so much. I was finally able to locate the Conn (which was hidden beneath the communications screen – who builds a ship like that?), and set a course for the planet we needed to reach, traveling at a speed of Warp 6.2.
Get ready to spend a lot of time standing around watching this.
We then spent an inordinate about of time standing around on the bridge, watching little rainbow colored specks go by on the monitor, waiting to arrive at the planet. It sort of reminded me of the long cars rides my parents would take me on when we would drive cross-country for vacation. I tried to convince the crew that, as captain, I had better things to do that stand around and watch stuff go past the window, and to just call me when we got there; but they kept insisting that it was my duty to stand by idly while they drove us there. Honestly, I don’t think they appreciate the full extent of all the non-military functions I have aboard this ship. There’s a lot more to running a starship than just warping and phasers, and if I don’t get the payroll entered on time week, their checks are going to be late again. Then they’ll get real bitchy.
After what seemed like an eternity, we finally arrived at the planet. I put together a landing team of Lt. Worf, Lt. Cmdr Data, and two redshirts to land on the planet. Immediately upon beaming down, they were attacked by Romulans. Lt. Worf became confused and attempted to attack them with his communicator, while the other members of the party stood around and got shot. Eventually, Worf got out his phaser. Not wanting to escalate the conflict I ordered Worf to set it to “Make them sit down”, the same setting as the Romulans appeared to be using. After a brief battle and a LOT of sitting, the Romulans were subdued. We were then able to make contact with the person who has sent out the signal.
Hey, get off your ass and do some work! Damn Romulans.
Subject thanked us for the assistance, but refused an offer to be taken off the planet, instead hinting at some important knowledge contained on the site, and making vague references to other activity in the area that we should be investigating. Well, whatever lady, I’ve got some budget reports that need to get done – I don’t have time to be cavorting around space on your whims. I was also supposed to have a meeting with Worf this afternoon regarding some different suppliers for our warp fuel, but I have a feeling that he’ll want to postpone it after all the sitting he ended up doing in the battle.
End Captain’s Log Entry.