Mystical Fighter

Brad:Ever wonder what Double Dragon would be like if it was set in Feudal Japan and really sucked? No, probably not – in fact, that would be an unusually specific thing to wonder about. Nevertheless, Dreamworks has set out to answer the question on pretty much nobody’s mind with Mystical Fighter.

We didn’t have instructions for this one, and the game didn’t clue us in to the story, so I don’t exactly know what was supposed to be going on.You play as this robed guy who I’m told is some sort of demon God from Japanese mythology, but mostly looked like an unemployed southern rock degenerate thanks to his choice of wardrobe and insanely long feathered mullet.A game where I can play as Molly Hatchet fan!Finally!

As I began the first stage, I was immediately attacked by a fat guy who looked like he had a sling around his jaw, like you see in old cartoons when somebody has a toothache.I immediately walked up to him and began punching him, which he didn’t seem to really object to, since he made absolutely no effort to stop me.Two more guys like that attacked me, followed by two guys in Raiden hats with staffs.I nailed one with a jump kick, and then grabbed the other and began spinning, making the whole thing look like some kind of deadly breakdancing maneuver.This move went on for as long as the other guy had health, and killed everyone who ran into it, effectively making it impossible for any of the other enemies to attack me.At this point I had seen every move in the game, and had also discovered a tactic that would render me invincible for the majority of the game.This took 20 seconds.

At the end of the stage, I was confronted by the game’s first boss, a flaming lion who couldn’t turn around.Despite many minutes of punching him in the ass, I was getting nowhere against this enemy.I needed a guy to spin around with!Deprived of that mode of attack, I eventually had to resort to using my magic spell, which caused a huge bell to fall from the sky and be rung.Um… ok, great.I began hoping this would cause him to crave Taco Bell and leave me alone, but instead it did a lot of damage to him, which, while unexpected, was pretty nice.Unfortunately, it also somehow gave him the ability to turn around, so my ass-punching strategy became impossible.I instead adopted a new tactic of standing right in front of him, trading hits, and hoping he died first.Lame, but effective.

The next stage took place in a forest that was populated with Sumo wrestlers walking around in their wrestling attire and fully armored samurai.Apparently sumo wrestlers are woodland creatures by nature, like squirrels.As for the samurai, they stood around with their hands on their hips looking annoyed, as if even they can’t believe how bad this game is.They gave me a lot less attitude once I starting throwing sumo wrestlers onto them.

Running short on Japanese stereotypes, the game finally stops holding out and gives you some ninjas to fight in Stage 3.And the boss is a giant flaming head.You know, I really feel like I learned a lot about Japan from playing this game.Mostly that it’s insane.

Anyway, after 3 stages, I felt I had seen enough of the game to safely say it wasn’t going to get any better, which in its own perverse way actually made me pretty happy, because it meant I could stop playing.Success!

Stryker:I think what Brad’s trying to get at somewhere in that incoherent ramble is that this game isn’t very good.You barely get any attacks, they’re all done with the same button, and one of them simultaneously kills everyone else while making you immune to damage – AND it’s really easy to do.The stages are uninteresting, the enemies have no discernable AI, and there are almost no weapons.This is a very bad beat-em up, vastly inferior to Final Fight or Double Dragon, both of which came out years before this did.

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