Once again, it’s time for our Wednesday ritual of knocking 10 games out of contention.This week, all of the games are run-of-the mill platformers that didn’t really offer much to set them apart from the crowd.That’s the real reason we’re eliminating them.But since that’s not a great read, we came up with these snappy one-liners that probably aren’t quite valid reasons for taking them out of contention.
As an added bonus, 8 of these games also appeared on the Super Nintendo, so it’s like revoking 18 Seals of Quality for the price of 10!
Aero the Acrobat – There’s something about watching Aero try to act cool by putting on sunglasses and doing the moonwalk that just screams “Focus groups came up with this character.”
Aero the Acrobat 2 -Wait, can’t bats fly?Why do I have to do all these damn jumping sections if I can fly?
Izzy’s Olympic Quest – Let’s face it, the original mascot for the ’96 Olympic games in Atlanta – a Union Army General with atorch in each hand – would have made for a far more interesting game.
Toy Story – Honestly, how do take a game starring a cowboy and an astronaut and fuck it up this badly?
Pagemaster – I don’t need all my protagonists to look like Rambo, but do you seriously expect me to play through this game as a blond version of Harry Potter with sparkly shoes?
Marko – Despite my claims to the contrary over the years, this game has proven that it actually was possible for me to care even less about soccer than I already did.
Chester Cheetah: Too Cool to Fool – It’s about as good as you’d expect a game starring a snack food mascot would be.
Chester Cheetah: Wild Wild Quest – They actually made two Chester Cheetah games?What, as a joke?
Tinhead – Cheap attacks from off-screen AND an unintuitive control scheme?Woo-hoo! Is it my birthday already?
Pink Panther Goes to Hollywood – Nobody expects much from a Pink Panther game, but even so, no game has any business sucking this hard.
So that’s it for this week. We’re taking a long holiday weekend to rest, relax, and try to catch up on a few of these games we’re supposed to be such experts on. See you Monday!