The Lightning Round

Today is the lightning round, where we’ll trim down the list with a lot of blanket eliminations and quick judgments.I know that probably doesn’t it make sound like we’re being completely fair or putting much time and thought into our choices.That’s because we’re not right now.But don’t worry – none of the games getting eliminated today ever really had a chance in hell of cracking the Top 50. Think of today as another housecleaning day – we’re just taking out the trash.

Flight sims and other simulators have always been popular on the PC, but they never really translated that well to the consoles.That’s probably either because they don’t really work on a 3 button controller, or else it’s because unlike PC users, console gamers actually expect their games to be, you know, fun.Anyway, say goodbye to 688 Attack Sub, Abrams Battle Tank, F-117 Night Storm, F-22 Interceptor, LHX Attack Chopper, and Super Battletank.

Call it a technicality, but we it seems to us that considering re-releases like Frogger, Ms. Pac-Man, Arcade Classics, or Williams Arcade’s Greatest Hits one of the greatest games on the Genesis would be like calling I Love Lucy reruns one of the best TV show of the 90s.

A similar concept also applies to the Genesis version of board games.Giving one a Seal of Approval would be like giving a book on tape the Grammy for Best New Album.So long, Clue, Monopoly, and Risk.Also, even though it isn’t anything like the board game, we’re also eliminating Super Battleship, because it really, really blows.

Video games based on game shows lack the excitement of their TV counterparts because, even if you win at them, Pat Sajak doesn’t show up at your house with a check for $25,000 or the keys to a new minivan.Thanks for playing, Family Feud, Jeopardy, Jeopardy Deluxe, Jeopardy Sports, and Wheel of Fortune.Your consolation prizes are a year’s supply of Rice-a-Roni (the San Francisco treat) and, ironically, a copy of yourselves.

By the way, the same basic idea also applies to casino games, though we hold extra prejudice against them since, unlike real life, you also don’t get to drink for free while you play them.Get out of here, Caesar’s Palace.

Also, I don’t think it’s too much to ask that the titles on our list are actually games.I’m looking at you, Art Alive!

There’s a reason Charles Barkley wants you to shut up.It’s because you keep pointing out how terrible his games are.Barkley Shut Up and Jam! and Barkley Shut Up and Jam 2 are eliminated.

You know how your parents used to say that TV would stunt your brain’s development?Turns out this is only true if you’re a very young child.Of course, if you’re a company that makes Barney games, this is they key making a customer for life.Therefore it’s really for the good of humanity that we’re eliminating Barney’s Hide and Seek, Richard Scarry’s Busytown, Sesame Street: Counting Café, The Magic School Bus, andThomas the Tank Engine & Friends.Stop preying on our children, you greedy game companies!

And as long as we’re purging the list of semi-educational games, let’s get rid of Where In The World Is Carmen Sandiego? and Where In Time Is Carmen Sandiego?It’s amazing how much less fun those games seem when you’re not playing them in study hall.

Like the Spice Girls and Matthew Perry, the Power Rangers are one of those regrettable parts of the 1990s that we all wish we could go back in time and erase. We can’t do that, but at least we can do the next best thing – Mighty Morphin’ Power Rangers and Mighty Morphin’ Power Rangers: The Movie are out.Honestly, we’re a little surprised they got this far.

For reasons that may never be fully explained, somebody at EA thought it would be really fun to make a game about a secret agent, who was also… a fish.Seriously.And then they made two sequels and a Olympics-style game starring this character.We have no idea how that happened, but the madness ends here.So long, James Pond, James Pond 2: Codename Robocod, James Pond 3: Operation Starfish and Aquatic Games Starring James Pond.

Speaking of fish, I can’t even tell you how disappointed I was when I found out King Salmon was not an RPG about a aquatic monarchy, but was instead another damn fishing game.Let’s face it, the next halfway decent fishing game I play for the Genesis will be the first. We’llget that off the list, as well as Bass Masters Classic, Bass Masters Classic: Pro Edition, TNN Bass Tournament of Champions, and TNN Outdoors ’96.

Someday the people who make Simpsons games will figure out that its actually Homer, not Bart, who makes the show funny.Until then, we’ll have garbage like Bart vs. the Space Mutants, Bart’s Nightmare, and Virtual Bart. And as long as we’re crossing crappy Simpsons games off this list, lets get rid of Krusty’s Super Fun House, too.

Pop Quiz: <Blank> is an forgettable fighting game with poor control, unbalanced characters, dismal AI, and sloppy hit detection.Your choices are:

  1. Ballz
  2. Heavy Nova
  3. Rise of the Robots
  4. All of the Above

Correct answer was d.All three are eliminated.

Namco released three Genesis games starring Pac-Man, but unlike Pac-Man, none of them were any good.They probably should have just re-released the original.Sure, it still would have gotten eliminated under the “I Love Lucy Rule” we mentioned earlier, we at least we wouldn’t be eliminating it with the same degree malice that Pac-Attack, Pac-Man 2: The New Adventures, and Pac-Mania are being eliminated with.

Hey, we like the Golden Axe, Streets of Rage, Road Rash, Mortal Kombat, Tecmo Super Bowl, and NBA Jam franchises.Just not enough to keep all their sequels on the list.Let’s keep our favorites from each series and say goodbye to the othersThat means we’re getting rid of:

Golden Axe

Mortal Kombat 3

Ultimate Mortal Kombat 3

NBA Jam

NBA Hangtime

College Slam

Road Rash

Road Rash 3

Streets of Rage 2

Streets of Rage 3

Tecmo Super Bowl 2

Tecmo Super Bowl 3

And I think this is where we’ll call it a day.63 games got the boot today, bringing our total down to 527 remaining games.Tomorrow, we’ll slow things down a bit and take a good, long look at one of the stranger concepts to appear on the Genny.

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