We don’t discuss politics very often on this website. Obviously, part of this is because we’re a site about old video games, and those worlds really don’t cross over too often. Another reason is that the members of our staff come from all kinds of ideological viewpoints, and the best way to prevent knife-fights in the office is to avoid the subject entirely. And finally, it’s just better for the website. There are a surprising number of partisan readers (on both sides) who, if they found out our leanings, would say “I had no idea Stryker was a Republican/Democrat! I don’t agree with that party! I therefore forsake this blatantly conservative/liberal website.” This is especially problematic for me, as my political viewpoint tends to be “Contrarian”, meaning that whatever you believe, I’m likely to start believing the opposite, purely out of spite. I… I tend to get punched a lot at debates.
The point is, we’re usually not very political. But then we made a truly awesome discovery. One that we were all able to agree on regardless of our political leanings, and one that we felt could have a major impact of the future of this country:
The ideal Republican candidate for the 2012 Presidential Election is Hulk Hogan.
Now don’t get us wrong. We don’t all unanimously agree that Hulk Hogan would be an ideal president (although a disturbing number of the staff have decided that, yes, actually he would). And Hulk Hogan might not even want to be president. Or he might not be a Republican – for all we know, Republicans might have spent the last 30 years metaphorically punching him in the bald spot, and it’s just a matter of time before he rises up, wags a finger at them, and lets loose with a massive leg drop on the GOP.
I guarantee this would never happen to President Hogan.
That seems unlikely though, considering how closely Hulk Hogan embodies almost everything the Republican voters seem to want in a candidate. Don’t believe us? We’ve come up with a handy analysis comparing just how well Hulkamania aligns with current right-wing philosophies on the issues that, going by how much press coverage they get, must be the most important to voters in the upcoming election:
Foreign Policy: Hulk Hogan favors an interventionist foreign policy that aligns pretty closely with the Neoconservative philosophies of the Bush White House. Hulk believes that a real American will “fight for the rights of every man.” It’s important here to note that this means every man in the world, not just every American, thus indicating willingness to invade foreign dictatorships and help spread democracy abroad.
However, one important distinction to make here is that unlike Bush, Hogan has a proven track record of building and leading powerful coalitions. As leader of the NWO, Hogan was able to establish himself as an indomitable superpower not only through his own strength, but by surrounding himself with both powerful allies like Kevin Nash and Randy “Macho Man” Savage, as well less powerful, but strategically important allies, such as Konnan and Syxx. In doing so, he was able to face off against major threats such as Sting and Goldberg (the pro wrestling equivalents of Iran and China) and come away relatively unharmed.
The Economy: The Republican plan for the economy seems to center around two basic tenets:
- Socialism is bad
- Everything is socialism.
Using the rules of logic, we can combine these statements to draw the conclusion that “Everything is bad,” which seems like a pretty accurate description of our current economic situation. The key to fixing this bad economy appears to be hating socialism. So what about it? Does Hulk Hogan hate socialism hard enough to make the economy grow again?
I mean, does he hate it as much as he hates shirts?
Hogan hasn’t said much on the subject, but we can interpret a lot from his actions. His opponents will probably jump on his long running feud with the “Million Dollar Man” Ted Dibiase and try to paint it as typical class warfare against the rich. However, it’s important to note that throughout the feud, Hogan never once tried to forcefully seize and redistribute the Million Dollar Man’s wealth, even when Dibiase was clearly using that wealth against him (trying to buy the Championship, bribing officials, etc.). Above all else, Hogan strongly believes that you have to earn everything you get – a championship has to be won in the ring, not purchased, just as hitting someone with a boot to the face doesn’t entitle you to their money.
And even clearer example can been seen during Hogan’s time leading the New World Order. The NWO had many members covering abroad spectrum of abilities and prestige. As their leader, Hogan had the power to “redistribute” some of this, by putting lesser known wrestlers into higher profile roles within the organization, or teaming up more famous guys with lesser known ones. However, Hogan ran the NWO as a meritocracy, allowing the biggest spotlight the fall upon his brightest stars and forcing the lower tier ones to earn their keep or be dumped from the stable.
Patriotism: From the Red, White and Blues that every Fox News telecast is bathed in, to the Tea Party guys dressed up as Uncle Sam, it’s pretty clear that the right takes patriotism pretty seriously. It not merely a question of whether or not you love America, but how much? Do you love America enough to DVR Glee for it, even though you hate that show? Enough to let it decorate the bathroom with tiny little soaps you aren’t allowed to use? Do you love it enough to come back home to it after a night of heavy drinking when Greece has been making passes at you all night long? Any viable candidate will answer yes to those questions, but how many can honestly say someone wrote a song about just how much of a real American they were? There’s only one person in the world who can answer yes to that last question. Here’s a picture of him getting ready to punch you in the face… with the American flag.
Look out!
Health Care: Although it may not be as big of a priority as some of the other issues, health care is a pretty hot-button topic, and one that ties directly into the economy, which is the biggest issue. Democrats say increasing health care costs are a big part of what’s destroying the economy, while Republicans point out that Obama’s health care reforms vaguely resemble socialism (assuming the definition of socialism is “forcing you to buy defective products you can’t afford”), which as we discussed earlier, is what destroys the economy. Rather than get bogged down in the policy quagmire, Hogan’s approach to health care seems to focus on the preventive side of things – two of the three tenets of Hulkamania are taking vitamins, and training hard (the third is saying prayers, which might not win over Dems or Independents, but ought to go over great with the base). The idea here seems to be that by taking personal responsibility for our health, we can make ourselves healthier, which will drive down the cost of insurance, thus making it affordable on the free market. A logical, capitalistic approach that ought to appeal to Republican voters.
Gun Control – As crazy as it may sound now, there was actually a time in recent American history when people tried to make it harder to buy guns. There really isn’t much controversy over this anymore, as both Republicans and Democrats have since come to the conclusion that guns are wonderful. The only debate anymore is whether you believe guns are “pretty sweet, I guess” (liberal), or “really freaking sweet” (conservative). Still, as someone who spent his entire adult life inflicting unarmed violence on his enemies, it’s easy to see how Hogan might see guns as unnecessary, or worse yet, something that reduces the demand for Americans to develop 27-inch biceps.
Hmm… Let’s see where the Hulkster comes out on the issue:
From the proper angle, the explosion kind of makes him look like Carrot Top.
Ah, yes. I believe that on an NRA approval scale of 1 to 10, this picture would receive a score of “Idaho”. Looks like gun owners have nothing to worry about… unless they happen to be in a boat, obviously.
So there you go. After careful research, I think it’s safe to say that Hulk Hogan would be the ideal Republican presidential candidate. Also, feel free to suggest some potential running mates in the comments – after all, pro wrestling has no shortage of guys with experience being irrelevant and mostly forgotten (Glacier? D-Lo Brown? That guy from Harlem Heat who wasn’t Booker T?).















