(After killing Sniper Wolf, Snake makes his way to a refrigeration room, where Vulcan Raven and his huge flock of ravens are waiting.)
Vulcan: Hello, Snake. This is the end of the road for you!
Snake: Vulcan Raven! So you’re here to stop me, huh?
Vulcan: Yes, but first let me tell you all about myself.
Snake: You guys must be the friendliest, chattiest group of terrorists in the world.
(Raven begins talking about birds, then he and Snake’s ancestry, and then, no joke, his favorite events at the Eskimo Olympics.)
Normal, non-crazy gamers: Wait, is he talking about the Eskimo Olympics? Seriously? You know, this game is fun to play, but these cut-scenes couldn’t possibly get any stupider.
(Vulcan Raven has a tattoo of a bird on his head. It comes to life and flies toward Snake.)
Normal, non-crazy gamers: Ok, NOW it can’t possibly get any stupider.
(Snake and Raven fight. This is rather anti-climatic, and consists mainly of Raven walking around the room aimlessly and stepping on mines. Eventually, Snake wins.)
Raven: Snake, there’s one thing I must tell you before I die.
Snake: (sighs) Here we go again…
Raven: That guy you thought was the DARPA Chief was actually Decoy Octopus.
Snake: That’s it?
Raven: Yeah.
Snake: No story of your life? No explanation for why you are the way you are? No mind-bendingly insane philosophical viewpoints about war?
Raven: No, that’s it. I’m gonna let my flock of birds eat me now.
Snake: Ok. Thanks.
(Vulcan Raven’s body is eaten by the birds. Snake continues on to the room where Metal Gear is being stored. Otacon calls him on the radio.)
Otacon: Snake! I figured how the override key works. The one key you’re carrying is actually all three keys.
Snake: What?
Otacon: Yeah. It changes shape depending on whether its hot, cold or room temperature. So in order to do the override, you’ll have to take the key to the control room, input it into the computer, then take it someplace cold, freeze it, and take it back to the control room and put it into the computer again. Then you’ll have to take it to a really hot room and do it all over again.
Snake: Really? If I was a little more cynical, I might think that was a really cheap and pointless way to make this relatively short mission last a little bit longer without actually adding anything of any real substance.
(Snake inputs the key, then freezes it, inputs it, then heats it and inputs it a third time.)
Computer : PAL code number three confirmed. PAL code entry complete… Denotation code ACTIVATED.
Snake: What? Activated!
(Liquid Snake calls him on the radio.)
Liquid: Dude! I can’t believe that worked!
Snake: Liquid! What did you do?
Liquid: We totally tricked you! Ocelot killed the DARPA Chief before we could get his password, so we needed the keycards to start the launch. All we had to do was pretend we really did have the codes, and you did the rest. Now we can launch nukes!
Snake: Wow, I guess they knew reverse psychology after all.
(Liquid climbs into the cockpit of Metal Gear. Snake runs out of the control room and aims his pistol at him.)
Liquid: Snake, would you actually shoot your own… TWIN BROTHER?
Snake: Are you really my twin brother?
Liquid: Yes, Snake. I’m your twin brother – but not like the normal kind. We were created in a lab, and the scientists gave you all the good dominant genes, while I got all the leftover recessive genes.
Snake: You mean like in the Arnold Swartzenegger movie Twins?
Liquid: Yes, Snake! Exactly like that. I’m Danny DeVito.
(Snake shoots Metal Gear with his pistol a few times.)
Liquid: Ha! Did you really think you could stop the Ultimate Weapon with a mere pistol? Now it’s time for you to die!
(Liquid closes Metal Gear’s cockpit, and begins attacking Snake. Snake calls Otacon for help.)
Snake: How do I destroy Metal Gear?
Otacon: Shoot the radar dish with a Stinger missile.
Snake: What? That’s it?
Otacon: Yes, the Stinger missile can destroy anything… apparently. Anyway, if you take out the radar dish, all the sensors will go out, and he’ll be forced to open the cockpit to see you. Once he does that, shoot him.
Snake: Wait, so you made the cockpit out of materials that the pilot can’t see through, which in turn makes him completely dependant on a radar dish which can be easily destroyed from outside?
Otacon: Yes.
Snake: That’s the worst design ever. Did you get your engineering degree from an online University, or are you just an idiot?
Otacon: Hey! That design was based off of the mechs in a very popular anime.
Snake: Oh, well that explains it.
(Snake begins to battle Metal Gear, scoring several direct hits on the radar dish with Stinger missiles, which damages it severely. Just as it looks like Snake is about to defeat the world’s ultimate weapon with a cold war-era, shoulder-mounted anti-aircraft missile, Metal Gear rushes him and is about to crush him under its feet. At the last second, the ninja appears, knocks Snake out of the way, and holds back Metal Gear’s leg.)
Snake: Wow! You’re strong enough to hold back the entire weight of Metal Gear?
Ninja: That’s nothing. I can tell you my entire backstory while holding up Metal Gear!
(He does. This takes a few minutes.)
Snake: Pretty impressive.
Ninja: See? I told you I was letting you win when we fought earlier.
(The ninja gets out from under Metal Gear, and starts doing some impressive flips. Just as he’s about to destroy the radar dish, Metal Gear catches him and pins him against a wall with the nose of its cockpit. Unfazed, the ninja shoots the radar dish, finally destroying it once and for all. The cockpit opens.)
Liquid: My dish! Now how am I supposed to get the NFL Network?
Ninja: Snake, I don’t have much time before he crushes me to death. I want you to shoot us both with a Stinger missile.
Snake: Okay.
Ninja: But not until I give you a lengthy explanation of why I want to die so badly.
(The ninja starts rambling on about he’s been trapped between life and death, waiting to be killed. Luckily, Liquid cuts him short by crushing him. Snake shoots the cockpit, destroying Metal Gear. As the machine comes crashing down all around him, he is knocked unconscious. When he awakes, he and Liquid are standing atop of the wreckage.)
Liquid: Well Snake, we both knew it would come to this.
Snake: A climatic final battle?
Liquid: No! The longest cutscene in the history of video games! I’m going to spend the next 40 minutes talking about crazy-ass nonsense!
Normal, non-crazy gamers: Well, this seems like a good time to go mow the lawn. (leaves)
(Liquid Snake begins an insane rant about cloning, conspiracy theories, DNA, and symmetry. While he is rambling, Solid Snake pulls out a 1040 Form and begins doing his taxes. About ten minutes later…)
Liquid: …you see, Gulf War Syndrome was really just a conspiracy to cover up the effects of injecting the soldiers with modified genes. Of course, I’m giving you the shortened version – I’ve written a lot more about this on my blog.
Snake: Uh huh. Hey, do you think I have to claim the guns I picked up on this mission as additional income?
Liquid: No, I think as long as you used them for the mission, they’re a business expense. Hey, are you even paying attention?
Snake: No.
(Liquid continues anyway. After about another 20 minutes, Normal, non-crazy gamers return from mowing the lawn.)
Normal, non-crazy gamers: Hey, did I miss anything interesting?
Liquid: …so the Genome soldiers are all flawed on the genetic level. That’s why we need Big Boss’ DNA.
Normal, non-crazy gamers: I guess not.
Snake: Are you done yet?
Liquid: What’s the matter Snake? Are you getting impatient just because the White House is going to bomb the base with us in it?
Snake: What? (To his radio) Colonel, is that true?
Campbell: Yes Snake, I’m afraid it is true. Bombers have already launched. The Secretary of Defense has ordered it personally.
Snake: Colonel…
Campbell: Don’t worry Snake. I’ll call off the strike. That’ll confuse them and buy you some time to hear the rest of Liquid’s rambling.
(There are sounds of a struggle over the radio.)
Mysterious voice over radio: No you won’t! I’m relieving you of command!
Snake: What?
Mysterious voice over radio: It’s me Snake, the Secretary of Defense. I’ve taken over this mission.
Snake: What happened to the Colonel?
Secretary of Defense: He’s been placed under arrest. I’m in command now.
Snake: Wait, wasn’t he commanding me from a submarine? How did you get on the submarine? What are you, like an elite commando and Secretary?
SoD: It doesn’t matter. What’s important now is that we cover up this whole thing by nuking the entire base to destroy all evidence of Metal Gear, the research, the Genome soldiers, and especially you and Liquid. You two are a couple of mistakes from the 70s, like the Bay City Rollers or those bright yellow jerseys the Pittsburgh Pirates used to wear.
Normal, non-crazy gamers: Wow, in the span of about thirty minutes this game has gone from having a decent story to becoming a flaming trainwreck of insanity.
Metal Gear Fanboys: So… awesome…
Liquid: It’s all over Snake. There isn’t enough time for either of us to escape.
Snake: Well there probably would have been if you hadn’t wasted the last half-hour with your half-baked nonsense. We could be miles away from here by now.
(Liquid Snake and Solid Snake fight hand-to-hand. Eventually, Snake knocks Liquid off of the wreckage of Metal Gear to certain death. Otacon arrives.)
Otacon: Snake, the bombing will begin soon. We have to escape!
(Snake and Otacon hop in a jeep and start driving out of the base. Suddenly, Liquid comes up in a jeep behind them!)
Otacon: It’s Liquid! He’s still alive… somehow!
(They chase and shoot at each other for a while. Both jeeps exit the base and crash. Snake is knocked out, and as he awakens, he sees Liquid walking toward him, with a gun aimed at his head.)
Liquid: Time to die, Snake!
(Suddenly, Liquid dies of a heart attack, much like the Armstech President and Decoy Octopus.)
Snake: That was anti-climatic.
Otacon: No kidding. It would have been a lot more poetic if he had died after fighting you hand-to-hand atop the burning wreckage of the weapon you destroyed while inside a base that was about to be bombed.
Snake: Speaking of which, where are the bombers?
(Campbell calls on the radio)
Campbell: Don’t worry Snake, the bombers have been called off. Turns out the Secretary of Defense was acting alone, and the president had no idea what was going on. Once he found out about all of this, he relieved the secretary of command and called off the attack.
Snake: Wait, you mean to tell me that terrorists were threatening to attack the United States, and the president had absolutely no idea?
Campbell: Yep.
Snake: Well, I sure am glad something like that could only happen in a video game.
(Campbell, Snake and Otacon talk for a while about how they’re going to live their lives differently from now on. Eventually, Snake and Otacon find a snowmobile and ride off into the sunset, but not before making a painfully lame 2001 reference. The screen fades to black, and we hear the voice of Revolver Ocelot.)
Ocelot: Yes, I recovered all the test data on Metal Gear… Snake is still alive… my cover is intact – the DARPA Chief figured out who I was, but I killed him… yes, thank you MR. PRESIDENT.
Metal Gear fanboys: Holy cow! Ocelot was working for the president all along in order to get research on Metal Gear! That’s awesome!!!
Normal, non-crazy gamers: Hmm, I hope they don’t completely ruin the sequels by force-feeding us some kind of lengthy, insane storyline that actually tries to make sense out of that revelation.
(They do. At least twice.)
THE END.
