The Bard's Tale Play

Way back in 1989, my brother got a sweet computer game called The Bard’s Tale for his 8th birthday. It was the first RPG we had ever played, and being 11 and 8, it took us a little while to get the hang of this genre, as the game was not exactly newbie friendly. 6 years later, we were finally able to beat this game, which a “normal” RPG player (i.e. older and more experienced) probably could have gotten through in a few months. Despite our struggles, my brother and I look back on this game rather fondly. It seems unnecessary to review a game that came out 15 years ago, and I thought it would be funnier just to write a narrative version of my characters’ adventures, and poke fun at the horrible names I gave my characters, some stupid mistakes I made as I learned how to play, and a few flaws within the gameplay and logic of the storyline…

Then, I decided it would be even better if I wrote it as a play, so that you could reenact it at home.  Anyway, I will be posting it here, one chapter per day, starting tomorrow.

The Bard's Tale Play – Chapter 1

(The Adventurer’s Guild in Skara Brae. Various adventurers are sitting around tables, having drinks and swapping stories.  A tall, bald man with greenish skin enters the room.)

Bald Man: My name is Tough Guy. I am a warrior, trained in the ways of armed combat. I seek worthy comrades to help me destroy the evil wizard Mangar, who has killed all the citizens of this town, and sealed the gates in a spell of eternal winter.

(a Monk in the back of the room rises)

Monk: Nice name.

Tough Guy: Look, I was named by an 11 year-old kid. I suppose you have a better name?

Monk: I am known as Good Guy.

Tough Guy: That’s really not any better. Look, do you want to go fight an evil wizard or not?

Good Guy: Yes, I will join you. Who else will join us?

(A buzz goes up through the Guild, and a cloaked man rises)

Cloaked Man: I will join you. I am known as Robber.

Tough Guy:  Your name is Robber? What do you do?

Robber:  I steal stuff.

Tough Guy: Um… well… I’m not sure that we really need a guy who steals stuff… We’re trying to slay an evil wizard.

Robber: Then what do you need a monk for?

Tough Guy: Good question.  What exactly do you do, Good Guy?

Good Guy: I am a fighting monk. Using ancient techniques, I am a master of hand to hand combat, without weapons or armor.

Tough Guy: No weapons or armor huh? Well that will save us some money.

Robber: Hey, I only fight with daggers and leather armor. That’s pretty cheap, too.

Good Guy: Yeah, but you’re going to rob us.

Robber:  Steal what?  Your crappy beginning of the game sword?  Your fashionable bandanna?

Good Guy:  Then why would a thief want to join us?  You don’t exactly come across as civically minded.

Robber:  That evil wizard probably has a ton of good stuff to steal.  Helping you guys would get me in there.  That’s why it wouldn’t make sense for me to rob you.

Tough Guy: Even so, what benefit do we get from having you around? Can you fight, or do magic?

Robber: Well… I can disarm traps… and… um… I can hide in the shadows.

Tough Guy: Hiding? That’s your skill?

Robber: I’m really good at it.

Good Guy: Can you sneak up on people from the shadows, and kill them?

Robber: No, not really… But when I hide, nobody attacks me. And I could steal their weapons, so they wouldn’t be able to fight you.

Tough Guy: You can do that?

Robber: Um… maybe?

Good Guy: Let’s just take him. I’m sure there will be traps in Mangar’s castle that he could disarm. Besides, he’d probably just follow us anyway…

Tough Guy: Alright. Robber, you’re in.

Robber: Excellent. By the way Tough Guy, why do you have green skin and smell bad?

Tough Guy: I’m a Half-Orc. Half Human, Half Orc.

Good Guy: You mean that one of you’re parents was an Orc, and the other was a human?

Tough Guy: Yep.

Robber: Really?

Tough Guy:  Yeah.

Robber:  Because I can honestly say I’ve never looked at an orc and thought “Man, I’d hit THAT!”

Tough Guy: They lived in a pretty small town.

Good Guy:  A small town where half the citizens were orcs, and humans had sex with them?  Where was this, Mississippi?

Tough Guy:  Look, whatever… Who else will join us?

(The other people in the guild discuss this plan with each other, and eventually 3 other people join the party – A conjurer named Whitey, a magician named White Beard, and a Hunter named Hitman)

Tough Guy: This is a well-balanced group. The three fighters will handle the armed combat and defend the other members. The two mages to aid us with their spell casting. And the rogue can scout out the enemies ahead and guide us through the dungeons.

Robber: Say what now?

Tough Guy: I mean the rogue will, uh… carry our stuff… and hide whenever danger comes…

White Beard: Wait, we’re going to let a guy named Robber carry our stuff? This seems like a bad idea.

Tough Guy: All right… 3 fighters for combat and carrying stuff, 2 mages for magic, and one rogue to keep us company.

Good Guy: Then let us venture forth!

The Bard's Tale Play – Chapter 2

(Having recruited a group a 6 noble warriors, the party decides what to do next.)

Tough Guy:    Well, the first place we should go is Garth’s Equipment Shop, to get some weapons and armor.

(They exit the guild, enter the street, and head out toward Garth’s)

White Beard:    Tough Guy, is it very far to the store?

Tough Guy:    No, not too far.

White Beard:    Good, because we don’t have any weapons yet… if we got attacked…

Tough Guy:    We’ll be fine – It’s the middle of the day, and we’re right out in the street. Nobody is going to attack us.  I mean, sure it’s been bad around here since the wizard took over, but its not like we’re walking around Detroit or something.

(Suddenly, the party is ambushed by a group of 4 spiders)

White Beard:    Spiders!

Whitey:    We don’t have any weapons!

Hitman:    Run away!

Good Guy:    They’re just spiders.

(Robber hides in the shadows)

Tough Guy:    No ordinary spiders will stand between us and…

(One of the spiders crawls up his foot and bites him on the ankle)

Tough Guy:    AAARRRGGHHHH! It bit me!

Good Guy:    Are you ok?

Tough Guy:    It feels like I lost at least half of my hit points!

Hitman:    Run away!

White Beard:    We’re surrounded!

Good Guy:    They’re spiders. They’re like 2 inches high. Just step over them.

(Following the advice of Good Guy, the party steps over the attacking spiders and runs away)

Whitey:    That’s weird, we ran away from the spiders, but somehow we’re in the exact same spot as before.

Robber:     Yeah, you probably shouldn’t think about stuff like that too much.

(They arrive at a building with a sign reading “Garth’s Equipment Shoppe” on it)

Tough Guy:    Here we are.

White Beard:    “Shoppe”? You said it was a “Shop”.

Tough Guy:    It’s the same thing.

White Beard:    We can’t afford anything in a “shoppe”. Let’s just go to Wal-Mart.

Tough Guy:    I don’t buy anything at Wal-Mart. Their corporate management has very blatant anti-guild labor policies.

(The other party members roll their eyes)

Robber:    Doesn’t matter. Last week the Wal-Mart was robbed and then burned down by… um, monsters.

Tough Guy:    Robber, when we get in there, DO NOT steal or burn anything.

Hitman:    Here come those spiders again! Get inside!

(The party quickly flees into Garth’s Equipment Shoppe, where they are greeted by Garth, a smiling, bearded man in his mid-30′s)

Garth:    Hail, travelers! Welcome to Garth’s Equipment Shoppe! Shoppe quality at Shop prices! I’m retired from the adventuring business, but I can help you get equipped for your own quest.

Whitey:    What do you mean, you’re retired? You look younger than all of us, and we’re on our first adventure ever. Look at me, I’ve got a white beard down to my knees.

White Beard:    Me too. I must be about 80.

Tough Guy:    Pay them no heed, Garth. I am Tough Guy, and these are my companions – Good Guy, Hitman, Whitey, White Beard, and um… Rob.

Garth:    Nice names! What, did an 11 year old name you?

Tough Guy:    Shut up… and… yes.

Garth:    Oh, sorry. Anyway, I would be glad to show you some… Oh my God! What happened to your leg?

Tough Guy:    I was attacked by a spider.

Garth:    A giant spider?

Tough Guy:    Nope, a regular one.

Garth:    Well, you might want to get that looked at. It looks like you lost about half of your HP.

Tough Guy:    Feels like it too. But enough about me.  How’s business been?

Garth:    Pretty good, actually. That evil wizard killed everyone in town, except for the adventurers. So a lot of them come in here now, buying stuff to protect themselves from the random monsters that have wandered the streets ever since he took over.

Tough Guy:    Well, we’re going to kill that evil wizard, but we need some equipment. I was hoping you’d be able to give us a little discount, since we’re going to save the town from evil.

Garth:    No discounts.

Good Guy:    But we’re going to free this town of the evil. Surely, you can see the benefit of that.

Garth:    Not really. Like I said, business has been a lot better since the town became evil. Lot more people buying weapons now. Actually, most of my best customers are evil.

Good Guy:    Wait, you sell to the evil guys?

Garth:    Hey, I’m trying to run a business here.  As long as they don’t pay me in evil gold, why should I care?

Tough Guy:    Very well. Hitman and I will need strong armor and weapons. The monk fights unarmed. And Robber will need light armor and a small knife.

Garth:    Robber?

Tough Guy:    Err… I mean, Robert. His name is Robert. And we’ll need some torches too.

White Beard:    And the mages need robes and staffs.

Tough Guy:    Why?

White Beard:    Because that’s what mages fight with.

Tough Guy:    You’re mages. Just stand behind us and cast spells.

Whitey:    But what if we’re ambushed? Or if you get killed?

White Beard:    Yeah, the rogue isn’t going to protect us. He just hides in the shadows. How come he gets a knife, but we don’t get anything?

Tough Guy:    Wait, what do you think we’re going to run into that could kill me, Hitman and Good Guy, yet you would be able to defeat with a heavy stick?

Whitey:    If something happens to you guys, we want to have some kind of chance of getting out, and getting to a temple to get you guys revived. It’s for your own good.

Tough Guy:    Have a chance? You’re mages. Cast spells. Run away. That’s how you guys are going to have a chance. A big piece of wood and some robes aren’t going to help you slay a dragon.

Whitey:    I don’t care. All the other magic users in town have them.

White Beard:  Yeah, we look silly going around questing in a t-shirt and jeans.

Tough Guy:    Fine. I’ll need 2 sets of robes and 2 staffs.

Garth:    Excellent. Now as far as weaponry is concerned, we have swords, maces, axes, halbards, clubs…

Tough Guy:    What’s the best?

Garth:    I don’t know.

Tough Guy:    I mean, which one does the most damage?

Garth:    Beats me. The halbard is the most expensive.

Tough Guy:    So it’s the best weapon, then?

Garth:    Uhhh… yes?

Tough Guy:    Well, can you tell me anything about it?

Garth:    Um… It’s a spear, and an axe, combined…

Tough Guy:    How much will it increase my attack by?

Garth:    I don’t know.

Tough Guy:    Is it more than the axe would?

Garth:    I don’t know.

Tough Guy:    Oh fine. Just give me 2 swords. Now then, armor…

Garth:    We have several different types of armor.

Tough Guy:    And I suppose you don’t know which kind would give me the lowest armor class?

Garth:    What’s an armor class?

Tough Guy:    Seriously? Fine… just… just give me two of the heaviest sets.

Garth:    You want shields, too? We have a wide variety.

Tough Guy:    Yeah. Let me guess. You have no idea which shield is the best.

Garth:    No idea at all.

Good Guy:    Look Garth, you see this really huge shield? That’s better than the really little one.

Garth:    I see…

Tough Guy:    Just give me 2.

Garth:    Okay, all that stuff comes to 10,000 gold.

Robber:    Let’s just kill him and take it.

Tough Guy:  What?  No!

White Beard:  Actually, just taking this stuff does make a lot of sense if you think about it.

Tough Guy:  But that would undermine the very ideals of law and order we’re fighting to protect.

White Beard:  You’re the one who decided to let a thief join the party.

Tough Guy:  Good Guy, help me out here… be the voice of morality.

Good Guy:  Well, actually… he does help arm Mangar’s armies, so he’s kind of enabling the evil to continue.  If anything, I’d say we have a moral obligation to kill him.

Garth:  I have to admit, I’m feeling less inclined to sell weapons to you guys.

Tough Guy:  Nobody is killing Garth. We’ll just have to come back and get the shields later. (Winks at Robber). Know what I mean?

Robber:    Right, right… I gotcha. (Returns wink)

Garth:    Okay, without the shields, its 8,000 gold.

(Tough guy pays him)

Garth:    As long as you’re going to fight that wizard, I should give you these things. (Hands Tough Guy a book and a parchment)

Tough Guy:    What’s this? “Instruction Manual”?

Garth:    It has all the spells in it, and tells you how to go adventuring. The other thing is a map of the town.

Tough Guy:    Thank you.

(They leave)

Tough Guy:    Robber, did you steal us those shields?

Robber:    No. You said not to steal anything.

Tough Guy:    Didn’t you see the wink?

Robber:    Oh! That’s what that was about? Why didn’t you say so?

Tough Guy:    You suck, Robber.

(Without warning, the party is attacked by the 4 spiders again)

Tough Guy:    Ha ha! Foul spiders, you will not find us such easy adversaries this time around! With our new armaments, the grievous wound to my ankle will be avenged!

(A spider crawls up Tough Guy’s leg and bites him just below the knee)

Tough Guy:    Aiiiiieeee! I am slain!

(Tough Guy dies)

White Beard:    That spider killed Tough Guy!

Hitman:    Run away!

(Good Guy steps on a spider, killing it)

Good Guy:    We can beat them. Just fight!

(Robber steps on and kills a spider. The remaining 2 spiders bite Hitman, killing him.)

White Beard:    They killed Hitman! What devilry is this?

(White Beard steps on a spider, killing it)

Good Guy:    One spider left! Kill it Whitey!

(Whitey starts thumbing through the Instruction Manual)

Good Guy:    What are you doing? Step on it!

(Whitey find the listing of spells in the back of the Instruction Manual, and casts Arc of Fire. A huge fireball falls out of the sky, and slams into the ground, with a massive explosion that annihilates 3 city blocks. The last spider is killed)

Good Guy:    (Looking around at the half-mile radius of scorched earth and destroyed buildings) Jesus Christ, Whitey. It was just a spider.

Robber:    Look, they left a pile of gold.

Good Guy:    Why would we get gold for killing 4 spiders?

White Beard:    Who cares? Let’s get them to the temple and use it to revive these two.

(The remaining 4 adventurers go to a temple, where the healers are able to revive their  fallen comrades)

Tough Guy:    I don’t understand. Why didn’t my armor protect me from the spiders?

Temple Worker:    Probably because it’s still in your backpack.

Tough Guy:    So?

Temple Worker:    It’s not a lucky charm. You have to wear your armor. And hit stuff with your weapon. They won’t work unless you equip them.

Tough Guy:    Equip our items, eh? You think it would have been mentioned somewhere in this Instruction Manual.

(The party equips its items)

Hitman:    This is much better!

Good Guy:    Except for me.  I didn’t get anything.

The Bard's Tale Play – Chapter 3

(After many days of wandering aimlessly, killing spiders, wild dogs, and the occasional crazy guy with a stick, our protagonists stop for a rest.)

Hitman:    I’m thirsty. Let’s go to a tavern.

Tough Guy:    How can you be thirsty? You haven’t stopped drinking since we left. I know for a fact you have at least 6 bottles of ale in your pack.

Hitman:    I’m sick of drinking ale.

Good Guy:    Well, lets see – there’s the Skull Tavern, the Green Tavern, the Traveler’s Tavern…

Tough Guy:    There sure are a lot of taverns for a town where almost everyone has been killed.

Good Guy:    Yeah, that’s kind of weird… And come to think of it, the taverns are always full of people.

Tough Guy:    And the weapons shop is doing booming business… and the Adventurer’s Guild is always full of people… And none of the temples has closed…

Good Guy:    Skara Brae has a pretty booming economy for being trapped under a spell of eternal winter and ravaged by monsters… Are we sure almost everyone’s been killed?

Tough Guy:    Most of these “monsters” we’ve seen weren’t really anything too ferocious. Maybe this town just needs an animal control officer.

Good Guy:    Come to think of it, I don’t actually know anyone who has died.

Hitman:    Hey, I’m still thirsty, here…

White Beard:    Well, the Skull Tavern is closest.

Robber:    We can’t go there.

Tough Guy:    Why not?

Robber:    Uh… we just can’t, ok?

Good Guy:    I told you bringing him would be trouble.

Tough Guy:    It’s no big deal, we’ll just go to the Green Tavern.

Hitman:    I want wine.

Good Guy:    You want wine? Since when do you care? I saw you drink Tough Guy’s armor polish.

Hitman:    I want wine. They don’t have it at the Green Tavern.

Tough Guy:    Fine. Which taverns have wine?

Hitman:    Only the South Tavern.

Tough Guy:    (looks at map) The South Tavern? That’s all the way across town. And there’s a Guardian Statue blocking the way.

White Beard:    Forget that… You remember what happened when we tried to go past that statue in front of the big castle?

Tough Guy:    Actually, I don’t remember… I kinda remember waking up in a temple…

White Beard:    The statue turned into a dragon, breathed fire all over us, and killed 4 of you. Whitey and I had to drag your bodies back to the temple and get you resurrected.

Whitey:    And you mocked us when we wanted robes. These robes saved our lives.

Tough Guy:    I seriously doubt that it was those stupid robes that kept you alive… I mean, they’re flammable for one thing…

White Beard:    The point is, no guardian statues.

Good Guy:    Why would a tavern have a guardian statue… seems bad for business.

Hitman:    Let’s go look at it.  It might just be a regular statue.

Tough Guy:    Hitman’s probably right. Let’s go.

(They walk across town, killing a variety of insects, stray animals, and lightly armed lunatics along the way. Eventually, they arrive before a statue of a Samurai)

White Beard:    That’s definitely a Guardian Statue. Look at all those weapons.

Hitman:    Nah, I think its decorative.

Tough Guy:    It’s in the middle of the street.

Hitman:    Probably so that everyone who goes down the street gets to see it.

Good Guy:    It’s a samurai. A statue like that wouldn’t make any sense as a decoration. Look around – Knights, European castles, European architecture on all the buildings, everything is very western. A samurai statue doesn’t fit in.

Tough Guy:    Come to think of it, I’m surprised we even know what a samurai is.

Hitman:    The fact that is doesn’t fit in is what makes it such a great decoration. Trust me.

(Hitman begins to walk past the statue. As he gets close, it turns into a real samurai and prepares to fight them.)

White Beard:    You know, if I were to never again see a statue turn into something that wants to kill us, it would still be too soon.

(The party begins to fight the samurai. Robber hides in the shadows. Tough Guy slashes it with his sword, doing much damage. Good Guy kicks it in the face, also hurting it badly. Hitman stabs it in the finger, doing little.)

Tough Guy:    What the heck was that, Hitman?

Hitman:    I’m an assassin. My attacks don’t do a lot of damage, but I try to strike nerve centers and cause instant death.

Tough Guy:    His finger?

Hitman:    Well, excuse me if I’m not up to speed on the anatomy of a Samurai.

(While this conversation is taking place, White Beard uses a magic spell to superheat the samurai’s armor, boiling him to death inside it.)

Hitman:    Good God! That’s was horrific… Not to mention the smell…

Tough Guy:    Are all mages this sadistic, or did we get the extra-messed up ones?

Robber:    Look, the Samurai turned into a big pile of gold, just like all the other stuff we’ve killed.

(After gathering up the gold, the group walks to the tavern and enters.)

Barkeeper:    Hail travelers! Welcome to the South Tavern. What will it be? We serve Beer, Ale, Mead, Whiskey, Viking Juice, Dragon’s Blood, Wine, Hard Cider, Hair from the Devil’s Beard, and Apple Juice.

Tough Guy:    A bottle of wine, good sir.

Barkeeper:    Well, that’s a bit of a trick. You’ve got to get it yourself. Our wine cellar is full of monsters.

Good Guy:    Why is your wine cellar full of monsters?

Barkeeper:    Uh… Monsters like wine?

Hitman:    Aw screw it, just give me one of everything with a cool name.

Tough Guy:    Oh no you don’t, Mr. I’m-Too-Drunk-to-Do-Anything-But-Stab-People-In-the-Finger. You made us walk all the way across town and fight that statue so you could have wine. We could have gotten drinks with cool names at the Green Tavern.

Robber:    Well, actually we couldn’t have.

Tough Guy:    Why not?

Robber:    Um… well… let’s just say that at least I couldn’t have…

Good Guy:    I thought that was the Skull Tavern.

Robber:    Yeah… them too… oh, and we can’t go to the temple on Arrow St.

Barkeeper:    (To Robber) Hey, don’t I know you?

Tough Guy:    Uh, we’ll go get that bottle of wine now. Where’s the stairs?

(The Barkeeper points to the stairs and the group quickly enters the wine cellar)

Barkeeper:    I swear I’ve seen that guy before…

The Bard's Tale Play – Chapter 4

(The group finds itself in a dark, musty, wine cellar. After wandering around for a bit they are attacked by 3 skeletons. Tough guy and Good Guy each destroy one. Hitman hits the third with a glancing blow that doesn’t seem to do any harm.)

Tough Guy:    Come on, Hitman. Just once, could you kill something?

Hitman:    Look, when I instantly kill some insanely tough monster with one well-placed strike, you’ll be glad I came along.

White Beard:    A skill which would have been real handy against the dragon statue, by the way.

Good Guy:    Look, all we’re saying is that you’re going to have to step it up a bit. Me and Tough Guy each killed a skeleton, couldn’t you do the same?

Skeleton:    Hey, I am right here, you know.

Tough Guy:    Shut up! (he kills the last skeleton)

Robber:    Hey, the skeletons dropped a treasure chest.

Tough Guy:    No pile of gold?

Robber:    Must be inside.

White Beard:    Why would a group of skeletons be wandering around a wine cellar, lugging around a treasure chest?

Whitey:    They like wine?

Robber:    Let’s open it.

Good Guy:    Wait, check it for traps first.

(There is a brief pause. After a few seconds, everyone turns and looks at Robber)

Robber:    Oh, you meant me?

Tough Guy:    This is what we brought you for.

Robber:    Right. Ok then… check it for traps… check it for traps… let’s see…

(Robber looks over the chest)

Robber:    Hmmm… looks ok.

Whitey:    Hold on.

(Whitey casts a trap disarming spell. There is a loud noise from inside the chest as several potentially deadly traps are destroyed.)

Robber:    Oh yeah, forgot to check for that one.

(They open the chest and take their treasure)

Tough Guy:    You know, we’ve been in this wine cellar for a little while, and I couldn’t help but notice that it seems particularly devoid of wine.

Hitman:    No kidding.

Good Guy:    Hey, look what I found. It’s some stairs.

Tough Guy:    Where do they go?

Good Guy:    To the sewers. I bet that’s where the monsters are coming from.

Tough Guy:    Let’s go down there.

Whitey:    Um… why do you want to go into the sewer?

Hitman:    Yeah, there’s no wine down there.

Tough Guy:    Shut up about your wine. We’re going into the sewer.

Whitey:    What for? It’s a sewer full of monsters.

Hitman:    Why does the tavern’s cellar have a stairway to the sewer?

Tough Guy:    Well, the town gates are sealed off, so maybe new supplies get delivered from outside through the sewers.

Good Guy:    That would explain why the weapon shoppe, taverns, temples and other places haven’t run out of things.

White Beard:    You didn’t know about this? Whitey and I got here through the sewers.

Robber:    So let me see if I have this straight. We’re on this mission because the evil wizard sealed off the whole town, killed everyone, and has brought in evil monsters to roam the streets to terrorize the survivors.

Tough Guy:    Yes.

Robber:    But, since we’ve started on our journey, we were able to buy a ton of weapons and armor. When we have died, we were able to go to a temple and get resurrected for a reasonable price. The toughest monster we’ve come across wandering the streets so far, aside from a dragon that wouldn’t have even attacked us if we hadn’t tried to break into the castle he was guarding, has been a wild dog. All the businesses we’ve gone to are doing well, and the taverns are packed with people. And we just discovered the both people and goods can enter and exit the town via the sewers.

Tough Guy:    Yes.

Robber:    So… why are we trying to kill the evil wizard?

The Bard's Tale Play – Chapter 5

(The party enters the sewers. After a quick battle against monsters that attacked them upon their arrival, they stop to go over their situation.)

White Beard:    Well who would have guessed, it’s a sewer full of monsters. Can we go back now?

Tough Guy:    No, we need to explore this.

White Beard:    Why? It’s a sewer. And there are monsters in it. Look. (points) There’s one over there.

Tough Guy:    The sewer may have clues on how to access Mangar’s evil tower.

Hitman:    Why would there be clues like that in the sewer?

Tough Guy:    Look, we explored the whole town. We can’t get into the Baron’s castle, we can’t get into the friendly wizard’s tower, and we can’t get into the evil wizard’s tower. It’s this or nothing.

White Beard:    If the sewer is our best lead, we’re screwed.

Good Guy:    (sees something on the wall) Hey, what’s this?

Hitman:    Someone wrote a message on the wall.

Tough Guy:    Finally! The clue we needed! Robber, what does it say?

Robber:    Why do I have to read it?

Tough Guy:    You’re the rogue. If it’s a trap, you’ll be able to tell.

Robber:    Yeah, but um…

Tough Guy:    What?

Robber:    Well, the thing is…

Good Guy:    You can’t read, can you?

Robber:    Yeah. Why doesn’t Tough Guy read it then?

Tough Guy:    Um… Hitman is closer.

Hitman:    I can’t see so good in the dark.

Whitey:    You’re an assassin. You work in the dark.

Good Guy:    Neither one of you can read, can you?

(Tough Guy and Hitman shamefully shake their heads)

Good Guy:    Well, that’s just great.

Tough Guy:    What do you want? I’m a half-orc. You should be glad I can tie my own shoes.

Hitman:    Besides, it’s not like Mangar is going to make us read books when we fight him.

(Good Guy reads to himself)

Tough Guy:    Is it a clue?

Good Guy:    It says “Golems are made of stone”

Whitey:    Well… dur.

White Beard:    Great. Can we get out of the sewer now?

Tough Guy:    No, we must venture on, and find more… clues. Robber, this place could be dangerous, I want you looking out for traps.

Whitey:    Why would there be traps in the sewer?

Tough Guy:    I don’t know. Why is it full of monsters?

White Beard:    Of course, this brings me back to my original point. If it’s a sewer, and it’s full of not only monsters, but also now traps, why are we hanging around?

Tough Guy:    Because we may find some more clues.

Whitey:    Like the last one?  What value is that?  Is someone going to ask us trivia?

White Beard:    (sarcastically) I’ll take Golems for $500, Mangar.

Whitey:    (in an Alex Trebek voice) Golems are made of this.

White Beard:    What is stone?

Good Guy:    Well, we might as well go on.

(The party carries on, fighting many monsters. After some time, they find another message)

Good Guy:    It says, “Pass the light at night”

Robber:    What do you suppose that means?

Tough Guy:    Must be some kind of warning. If we see a light, we shouldn’t pass it until nightfall.

Hitman:    What do you suppose happens if you pass it during the day?

Tough Guy:    You probably die.

White Beard:    Then how could they write the warning?

Tough Guy:    Hmm… maybe you’re just badly injured.

White Beard:    Yes, but if I were badly injured, I’d go back and get medical attention. I wouldn’t hang around here writing on the wall.

Whitey:    What do you even use to write on the walls of a sewer?

Tough Guy:    The blood of a smart-ass mage. Can we continue?

Whitey:    You know, if you’re going to be like that, we’ll just write down our sarcastic remarks and then you won’t have any idea what we’re saying.

(They tramp through the sewer some more. Suddenly, a cloud a poison gas is unleashed upon them)

Good Guy:    (coughing) Is everyone ok?

Whitey:    I lost a few hit points, but I’m ok. What happened?

Hitman:    Poison gas cloud.

Tough Guy:    Where were you on that one, Robber?

Robber:    Uh, well… you see, even the best thieves aren’t going to find ALL the traps.

Tough Guy:    Have you found any traps yet?

Good Guy:    Look, lets just go on. I’m sure Robber will redeem himself eventually.

White Beard:    Speaking of useless party members, we’re still waiting for Hitman to kill some terrible monster with one perfect strike.

Good Guy:    Guys, this really isn’t the best time for pointing out how much Hitman and Robber suck.

Tough Guy:    He’s right. We should go on.

(The party marches on. Along the way they get into many battles, during which Hitman does little damage to his enemies. They also step onto many traps that Robber fails to notice. Eventually they come upon a mouth, floating in midair.)

White Beard:    Whoa, that’s pretty weird.

Floating Mouth:    Know this. That a man called Tarjan…

Tough Guy:    That is so cool. A floating mouth.

Floating Mouth:    Know this. That a…

Whitey:    I wonder how this happened?

Floating Mouth:    Know this…

Hitman:    It’s awesome.

Good Guy:    I think it’s trying to tell us something.

Floating Mouth:    Know this. That a man called Tarjan, thought by many to be insane, had through wizardry powers proclaimed himself a God. His image is locked in stone until made whole again.

Tough Guy:    Did you guys get all that?

Whitey:    I think we better write that down.

White Beard:    Or we could just take the thing with us.

Tough Guy:    Robber, you’re the thief, grab it.

Mouth:     What?  You can’t just take me with you.

(Despite it’s protests, Robber takes the floating mouth and puts it in his bag.  Further on, they see a bright light.)

Whitey:     That must be the exit.

(Whitey walks toward the light and is vaporized)

White Beard:     Correction.  That must have been the light we’re supposed to pass at night.

Good Guy:     He’s completely gone!  We can’t even revive him at a temple.

Robber:    I’m scared!

Hitman:    Run away!

(The party flees, running through the sewers, the wine cellar, the tavern and not stopping until they are back on the streets of Skara Brae)

Tough Guy:    Well, we knew there would be dangers. The important thing is that Whitey and White Beard were virtually identical, so no big loss.

Good Guy:    And we did get a good clue about that Tarjan guy. For now, we should go to the Guild and get a replacement for Whitey.

Tough Guy:    Then we can go to the Equipment Shoppe to buy new gear with all the money we made from killing monsters.

White Beard:    (sarcastic) Oooh, let’s go shopping…  You’re such a woman, Tough Guy.

The Bard's Tale Play – Chapter 6

(The party goes to the Adventurer’s Guild)

Tough Guy:    Attention everyone! Our noble quest to overthrow the evil wizard Mangar has befallen a casualty. Despite this loss, the mission is going quite well. Who will step up and take the place of our slain conjuror, and aid us in heroically liberating this fair town?

(Silence throughout the Guild)

Robber:    We’re also getting rich killing monsters. Each one we kill leaves a pile of treasure behind… for some reason.

White Beard:    Yeah, I’ve got 10,000 gold pieces on me right now. And we’ve only been doing this for about two weeks.

Tough Guy:    Wait, I’ve only got 8,500. Why do you have more money than me?  I thought we had been splitting it evenly.

White Beard:    Remember when we were fighting those wolves, and I cast Magic Missile? And then you yelled “And I cast money missile!” and started whipping gold coins at them?

Tough Guy:    Oh yeah. That was pretty funny.

White Beard:    Well, that’s why you have less money than the rest of us.

(A knight and a plainly dressed man approach)

Knight:    Wow, you guys smell awful!

Good Guy:    We were in the sewers.

Knight:    Really?  I love the sewers!  Me and this bard here seek out adventure in the sewers all the time.

Bard:    Hello.

Tough Guy:    So did you want to join our party, then?

Knight:    Well, I would, but you said you only have room for one person.  I’m afraid I can’t just abandon my minstrel – he’s the only one who remembers how to get home from here.

Bard:    I’m also his wingman when we go to taverns in search of fair maidens.

Tough Guy:    No worries, the bard can come too!  (Turns to Hitman) Hitman, you’re out of the party.

Hitman:    Dammit!

Knight:    Oh, you shouldn’t get rid of one of your trustworthy comrades on account of us.

Good Guy:    Trustworthy? He can’t kill anything, he complains all the time, and he’s an alcoholic. I’d much rather have the bard and not end up spending several hours in every single tavern we walk past.

Knight:   Hmmm…You’ve obviously never adventured with a bard before.

Good Guy:     Perhaps you two should at least tell us something about themselves before we allow you to join our quest.

Knight:    Gladly!  I am a paladin, trained in the ways of armed combat and sworn to destroy all evil.  I’m also very resistant to magic. My name is Sir Awesome.

White Beard:    Sir Awesome? That’s the worst name I’ve ever heard, and I’m in a group with people named Tough Guy and Good Guy.

Sir Awesome:    You think that’s bad?  This is my traveling companion, Rowlf the Dog.

Tough Guy:     Hello, Rowlf.  What can you do?

Rowlf:     I play songs!

Tough Guy:     No, I mean, what can you do in battle?

Rowlf:     Play songs.

Good Guy:     That’s it?

Rowlf:    Pretty much, yeah.

Tough Guy:  Um… ok.

White Beard:     Oh great.  Whitey could shoot lighting out of his fingertips and breathe fire.  Now he’s dead and we’re going to replace him with a guy who’s main power is that he plays the lute.  We’re going to look pretty impressive in combat, what with Robber hiding and the bard here belting out “Sweet Home Alabama” every time an enemy comes by.

Tough Guy:    Nevertheless, the knight will prove most useful.  Welcome to our party Sir Awesome and Rowlf the Dog.

Hitman:     So what am I supposed to do now?

Tough Guy:    The quest is not over for you. I have an important job that needs someone of your talents.

Hitman:    Is it some kind of covert operation? I am a spy and an assassin, after all.

Tough Guy:    It’s, um… kind of like that. You shall hold onto our extra items that we don’t need now, but might want later. Also, you will be our money holder.

Hitman:    Money holder?

Tough Guy:    Yes, I’ve heard that adventurers who are slain in a dungeon are often returned here to be revived, but that they lose all the gold they had on them when this happens.  We wouldn’t want to get cleaned out, so we’ll give you most of our money before we leave, and you can keep it safe for us until we need it.

Good Guy:     Be sure not to spend it all on booze.

Tough Guy:     Oh, and give Sir Awesome all your weapons and stuff.

Hitman:    Well, this sucks.

(Hitman gives Sir Awesome his weapons and armor.)

Sir Awesome:     Score!

(The party leaves the guild)

The Bard's Tale Play – Chapter 7

(The party, with new members Rowlf the Dog and Sir Awesome, are out on the streets of Skara Brae)

Sir Awesome:     So, where are we headed next?

Tough Guy:    That’s a good question.  When we were in the sewer, we found out about some crazy guy that thinks he’s a God, but we don’t know where he is.

Sir Awesome:     There’s nothing on the map?

Tough Guy:     Nope.

Sir Awesome:     So what are we supposed to do?  Check every building in town to see if there’s a secret dungeon hidden it?

Tough Guy:     I guess so.

Sir Awesome:     What?  You can’t be serious.  There must be a better way – some kind of clue, or an instruction as to where we might find this guy.

Good Guy:     You would think so, but there really isn’t.  And we don’t really have any reason to think that finding this guy will actually get us any closer to the evil wizard, anyway.

White Beard:     In fact, we’re pretty sure that the best way to reach Mangar is actually through the Baron’s Castle, but we keep getting killed by his Guardian Statues.

Sir Awesome:     But you guys know where Mangar’s tower is, don’t you?  It’s that big, dark, evil looking tower in the corner of the town.

Tough Guy:     Yeah, but there’s a small fence around it, and the gate is locked, therefore making it completely impenetrable.

Sir Awesome:     So let me see if I’ve got this right – Our plan, as it stands, is to barge into every single building in the city, hoping to stumble upon the Mad God, who we think can give us some kind of advice as to how to enter the castle without getting killed by the statues?

Tough Guy:     Actually, we were planning on just killing him and taking his stuff.

Rowlf the Dog:     What?!  Really?!

Tough Guy:     Yeah, that’s pretty much what we do.

Robber:     Hopefully he’ll have something that will help us.  And if not, at least we’ll gain a few levels by killing him.

White Beard:     Speaking of which, I don’t think I’ve gained any levels so far.

Robber:     Me neither.

Good Guy:     According to the “Instruction book”, we need to seek out the review board, and they will grant us higher levels if they deem us worthy.

Rowlf:     Perhaps they will know where the “Mad God” is, too.

Sir Awesome:     That sounds like a much better plan.  Let’s go there.

Good Guy:     The “Instruction Book” says that their location is a secret.

Rowlf:     So how do we find it?

Tough Guy:    (sighs) Guess we’re back to checking every single building in town.

Sir Awesome:     But that’s so tedious.  Doesn’t anyone think there’s a better way than just randomly going into buildings and hoping for the best?

White Beard:     We used to think that, but our experience so far has shown us that our quest is mostly aimless.  You’ll get used to it, eventually.

(Tough Guy walks up to the door of a house)

Tough Guy:     Everyone ready?

Good Guy:    Yeah, let’s get this over with.

(Tough Guy kicks the door open)

White Beard:     Empty.

Good Guy:     On to the next one, I guess.

(All party members sigh)

Rowlf:     This sucks.

(The party goes to the next house.  Tough Guy kicks the door in)

White Beard:     Empty.

Robber:     647 houses to go.

The Bard’s Tale Play – Chapter 8

(The party has been systematically working their way up and down The streets of Skara Brae, entering every single building.  After several days of this, they have encountered and slain a few monsters, but have found neither The Mad God nor The Review Board.  The party begins to get frustrated and bored.)

Sir Awesome:     This isn’t quite the wild adventure I had in mind when we joined you guys.

White Beard:     Yeah, I’ve had about enough of this, too.  We’ve been doing the same thing over and over for days and the only thing we’ve found so far is a lot of empty buildings.  If Mangar really wants to be the Evil Overlord of abandoned houses, I say we let him.

Good Guy:     I agree.  What about you, fearless leader?

Tough Guy:     I suppose you guys are right.  If someone really expected us to complete this quest, they should have given us a little more direction.  Let’s go to Garth’s and sell our equipment, and then go home.

(The party goes to Garth’s Equipment shoppe)

Garth:     Hail, travellers!  How goes the quest?

Tough Guy:     It goes poorly.  We’re giving up.

Garth:     Giving up so soon?  Perhaps all you really need is this.

(Garth pulls out The Bard’s Tale Hintbook)

Good Guy:     What’s that?

Garth:     This, my friends, is all you’ll ever need to complete your quest.  It contains maps, directions, descriptions of the enemies and dangers you’ll face, and tells you about all the items you’ll need to complete the quest.  In fact, it’s pretty much impossible to finish your quest without it.

Good Guy:     Wait, the only way to complete our quest is to buy that book?  Seriously?

Garth:     Pretty much, yeah.  However, the book is cursed.

Sir Awesome:     Cursed?

Garth:     Yes, the more you use the book, the less interesting your quest becomes.  And since you need it for almost everything, it won’t be long before your quest is completely tedious.

Tough Guy:     Really?

Garth:     Yep.

Sir Awesome:     I don’t know about you guys but that doesn’t sound like much fun.

White Beard:     No, it doesn’t.  Honestly, I don’t really give a crap anymore about what happens to the people of Skara Brae.

Good Guy:     What people of Skara Brae?  We’ve been all over this damn city and haven’t seen anyone except other adventurers, monsters, and Garth.

Tough Guy:     Agreed.  As the leader, I say we should go back to the guild, get wasted, and play Madden.

Everyone:     Yeah!

(They do.)

THE END