Metal Gear Solid: The Play – Prolouge

Prologue: Metal Gear 1 & 2

(Metal Gear 1.  Snake, alone and armed only with a pack of cigarettes, infiltrates a military base.  He punches some guards, rides in the back of some trucks, and fights a tank.  Then he punches some dogs and rides in a few more trucks.  Guards chase him around buildings a comical, Benny Hill show-like manner. Eventually, Snake uncovers and destroys Metal Gear.)

Snake: (into his radio) Big Boss, I have destroyed Metal Gear.  Mission Accomplished.

Big Boss: You asshole!  I needed that!

Snake:  Huh?

Big Boss:  I’m the leader of the terrorists.

Snake: But you’re the one who sent me to destroy Metal Gear.

Big Boss:  It was all just part of an elaborate plot to spread misinformation.  I was counting on you to fail.  Didn’t you think it was weird that I sent you alone on this critical mission, armed with nothing except a pack of cigarettes?

Snake:  I figured I was supposed to trade them for weapons.

Big Boss:  You were supposed to trade them for bullets.  In your stupid face.

Snake:  Wouldn’t it have made more sense to tell me to just gather info, or to steal Metal Gear, rather than to destroy it?

Big Boss:  Hmmm… yeah, that would have been better now that I think about it.  I’ll have to remember that for next time.

Snake:  Next time?

Big Boss:  Yes.  Metal Gear is the ultimate weapon.  I must build it again.

Snake:  Are you serious?  Trying to rebuild the “ultimate weapon” after it’s been destroyed never works.  Didn’t you see Return of the Jedi?

(Several years pass, leading up to Metal Gear 2.  Big Boss builds another Metal Gear, which Snake also destroys.  Then Snake kills Big Boss. We don’t know a lot of the details though, because the game never comes out in America.)

Metal Gear Fanboys:  I must find a copy of Metal Gear 2 and play it at all costs!  I must know exactly what happened!

Normal, non-crazy gamers:  Wait, isn’t Snake’s Revenge the sequel to Metal Gear?

Metal Gear Fanboys:  Shut up, retard!

END PROLOUGE

Metal Gear Solid: The Play – Chapter 2

(After searching, Snake finds Meryl in the Ladies Room.)

Snake:  I need those keycards.

Meryl:  Ok, but first let me tell you my life story.

Snake:  What?  No, we have a deadline…

(Meryl begins talking about how she became a soldier to understand her father better, and about how she wasn’t like other girls.  Then she talks about being a rookie, and being scared.  Snake gives her short, agreeable responses every time she pauses to encourage her to shut up, but she doesn’t take the hint.  Instead, she talks about guns for a while, which ends up being the only part of the conversation Snake seems genuinely interested in.)

Snake:  (looks at watch) Are you done yet?  We need to stop a nuclear launch sometime today.

Meryl:  Yeah, I’m done.  Here’s the keycard.

Snake:  Wait, I was told there were three.

Meryl:  This is all I’ve got.  Did you check the bodies of the DARPA Chief and the Armstech President?

Snake:  No.

Meryl:  I guess we’ll just have to destroy Metal Gear then.  Follow me.

(They leave to find Metal Gear.  Before long, they reach the Commander’s Room, where Meryl begins acting strangely.)

Meryl:  Snake, I love you.  Kiss me, Snake!

Snake:  No!

(He punches her and knocks her unconscious.  Psycho Mantis appears.)

Mantis:  Now you see the power of my psychokinesis!

Snake:  That’s your power?  Turning Meryl into a slut?  No offense, but I could have done that with a couple of wine coolers.

Mantis:  You doubt my power?  I will prove it to you by searching your memory card for save files of other Konami games.

Snake:  Um, ok.

Mantis:  Ah… I see you’ve played Contra: Legacy of War.  I… I’m so incredibly sorry.

Snake:  Yeah, me too.

Mantis:  You like Suikoden, don’t you?

Snake:  No, that’s my little brother.

Mantis:  And now I will use tarot cards to see into your future…

Snake:  Uh, that’s ok, I believe you.  We can just fight now.

(They fight.  Psycho Mantis uses a lot of tricks, like making it look like the TV changed channels.  Snake is doing very poorly when Colonel Campbell calls.)

Campbell:  Snake, he’s reading your mind.  Use your player 2 controller to beat him.

Metal Gear fanboys:  Wow!  I love the way this game constantly breaks the “4th wall” by talking about stuff in the real world, outside of the game.

Normal, non-crazy gamers:  Yes, and I love the way it forces me to use my off-brand 2nd controller that normally only gets used when my buddies come over to play Madden!

(Using Campbell’s secret technique, Snake defeats Mantis.  Meryl regains consciousness.  Psycho Mantis lays on the floor, mortally wounded.)

Mantis:  I… I don’t have much time… come closer.  I need to tell you something before I die.

(Snake and Meryl approach)

Snake:  What is it?  Can you tell me how to stop the launch?

Mantis:  No.  I need to… I need to tell you my life’s story.

Normal, non-crazy gamers:  Dammit!  Not again!

(Psycho Mantis begins a long-winded recollection of his childhood, his own hatred of humanity, and how both Big Boss and Snake are beings of pure evil.  Meryl and Snake listen to him with looks of disgust and boredom, respectively.)

Metal Gear fanboys:  This game is so deep.  Now that I understand Psycho Mantis, I don’t hate him so much.

Normal, non-crazy gamers:  (browsing through a magazine) Huh?  Oh, um yeah, I guess so.  Are they done talking yet?  I wanna sneak up on some more guards.

Snake:  Are you done yet?  You’ve been talking for about 10 minutes now.

Mantis:  One last thing… Snake, I was able to put my thoughts directly into the woman’s mind.

Snake:  What did you do to her?

Mantis:  I told her you have herpes.

Snake:  What?

Mantis:  Ha ha!  Serves you right for killing me. (He dies)

(Snake and Meryl make their way to the communications tower.  Suddenly, a sniper shoots Meryl in the leg!  She falls, while Snake bravely dives for cover.)

Snake:  Meryl!

Meryl:  Ow.  My leg.

Snake:  Are you ok?

Meryl:  Yeah, I’ll be alright.

(The sniper shoots Meryl in the other leg.)

Meryl:  Ow!  Dammit!

Snake:  Meryl!

Meryl:  I’m ok.  Just give me some rations and I’ll be fine.

(She begins to crawl toward Snake, the sniper shoots her in the arm.)

Meryl:  Alright, that’s starting to piss me off now.

(Meryl gives the Sniper the finger.  The Sniper shoots her finger.)

Snake:  Stop encouraging the sniper!

Meryl:  It’s too late for me, Snake.  I guess I might as well start telling you my life story while I die.

Snake:  You already told me.

Meryl:  Well then, I’ll start a lengthy philosophical discussion about love and what it means to be a soldier.

Snake:  Screw this, I’m going find a sniper rifle and save you.

(Snake leaves to find a sniper rifle.  Colonel Campbell calls.)

Campbell:  Snake, thank you for saving Meryl.

Snake:  You don’t have to thank me, Colonel.  I’m just sick of listening to everyone’s goddamn philosophy lectures.

(Snake finds a rifle and returns, but Meryl is gone.  The sniper is not, however.  They fight and Snake wins.  As he approaches the communications tower, guards drop in on him and he is captured.)

Guard:  I can’t believe how easy that was!

Normal, non-crazy gamers:  Yeah, seriously.  What the hell Snake?  Just punch them and run away like normal.

(Snake is knocked unconscious.)

Metal Gear Solid: The Play – Chapter 3

(Snake has been captured and knocked unconscious.  When he wakes up, he is tied to a table.  Liquid Snake and Revolver Ocelot are in the room.)

Liquid: Remember, Ocelot, I want him alive.  No more using reverse psychology like on the DARPA Chief.

Ocelot:  Fine.  (pauses) Say, it looks like he’s awake.

Liquid:  Indeed.  (To Snake) Do you recognize me (dramatic pause)… brother?

(For the first time, we actually see Liquid Snake.  He looks exactly like Solid Snake, except he has a goatee.)

Liquid:  I’m your evil twin, Snake.  And Big Boss is our dad.

(Suddenly, Liquid Snake’s cellphone starts playing his “Get Low” ringtone.)

Liquid:  Oh, sorry.  I’ve got to take this.  (Answers phone) Hey, it’s me.  What’s up, Raven?…  They still won’t give us Big Boss’ remains, huh?  Then we’ll launch the nuke as planned.  (He hangs up). Sorry about that.

Snake:  Big Boss’ remains?

Liquid:  We need his DNA.  I’ll go into a 3 hour diatribe to explain it to you later.  Ocelot, I’ve got to leave for a while.  I’m going to leave Snake with you.  Don’t kill him like you did the DARPA Chief.

Ocelot:  What should I do if that crazy ninja shows up?

Liquid:  I don’t know, hide under something and hope he goes away, I guess.  Be careful – Mantis is dead, and we still don’t know what killed the Armstech President or Decoy Octopus.

Normal, non-crazy gamers:  Wait, Decoy Octopus is dead and we never even saw him?  Couldn’t think up a cool boss fight for a master of disguise, huh?

Metal Gear Solid Lead Designer Hideo Kojima:  (shakes head sadly) No.

(Liquid leaves)

Ocelot:  Alright Snake, we’re going to play a little game.  The first thing you should know is that Meryl is still alive.  But whether or not she lives is up to you.  I’m going to torture you.  You can stop it at any time, but if you do, I’ll kill the woman.

Snake:  Wait, don’t you want any information or anything?

Ocelot:  Nah.

Snake:  Ok then, I give up.

Ocelot:  But we didn’t even start yet.

Snake:  I’m not really a big torture fan.

Ocelot:  What about the woman?

Snake:  First of all, there’s no reason to believe you that she’s really alive.  There’s also no reason to believe that you wouldn’t kill her even if I did everything you said.  And finally, even if she was alive, and you didn’t kill her – she’s been shot at least 4 times.  We’re on an island with no medical facilities or doctors.  How long is she going to last?  She might have already died while we were in here.

Ocelot:  Maybe the genome soldiers could treat her wounds

Snake:  The Genome soldiers are idiots.  I used a cardboard box to hide from some of them.

(Revolver releases Snake from interrogation and he is put into a cell.  The DARPA Chief’s body is there.)

Snake:  (on his radio) Colonel, the body of the DARPA Chief is here.

Campbell:  Really?  Maybe you should check it for the keycard like I told you to before.

Snake:  It’s weird.  He looks like he’s been dead for days.  He’s decomposing and stuff.

Campbell:  But he only died a few hours ago.  It doesn’t make sense.

Snake:  Hmmm…  the Chief looks like he’s been dead for awhile, yet I saw him have a sudden, unexpected heart attack only hours ago.  And before, Liquid yelled at Ocelot for killing the Chief before they could get his password, which I had a psychic vision of.  Oh, and the ArmsTech President said that they couldn’t have gotten the Chief’s password the way the Chief said they did.  Also, Liquid Snake mentioned that Decoy Octopus, who could impersonate anyone, has died mysteriously since I first arrived here.  Apparently, he died in a way similar to the Armstech President…

Campbell:  …who died of a sudden, unexpected heart attack.  It’s all so mysterious.

Normal, non-crazy gamers:  Mysterious?  You retards!  Decoy Octopus was impersonating the Chief when you saw him.  Even I figured that one out, and I stopped paying attention a few hours ago.

Snake:  I guess I’ll keep looking for those keycards, then.

Normal, non-crazy gamers:  No, you idiot!  They never got the code!  The keycards are how they’re going to trick you into lunching the nuke for them.  Jeez, I could save the world right now if I just let Snake die.

(Snake calls Otacon to help him break out of prison.  Shortly afterward, the guard, who is a genetically enhanced, elite super-soldier with an IQ over 180, comically has to go to the bathroom and leaves Snake completely unwatched.  Otacon arrives wearing a suit that can make him invisible.)

Otacon:  Here, I brought you a bottle of ketchup… for some reason.

Snake:  Uh, thanks.  Now get me out of here.

Otacon:  I don’t have the key.

Snake:  You’ll have to take out the guard when he comes back.

Otacon:  I can’t do that!  I’ll be killed!

Snake:  Dude, you have a suit that makes you invisible.  Just turn invisible and hit him over the head with something heavy.

Otacon:  Sorry.

(He runs away)

Snake:  Hmm, maybe I can trick the guard into thinking this ketchup is blood.

(Snake breaks the bottle and lays down in a puddle of ketchup.  The guard returns from the bathroom.)

Guard:  Oooh!  Delicious ketchup!

(The guard grabs a handful of french fries and runs into Snake’s cell.  Snake jumps up and kills him.)

Snake:  Well, I guess that worked.

(Snake escapes from his cell and makes his way inside the communications tower, where he meets up with Otacon.  They have a long, boring conversation about love on the battlefield.  Then Snake goes onto the roof of the tower.  Suddenly, he is attacked by Liquid Snake in a helicopter!)

Liquid:  Now you’re going to die!

(Liquid, who apparently received his helicopter training from the same people who taught Imperial Stormtroopers how to shoot accurately, blows up everything on the rooftop except Snake.  Snake then shoots down Liquid’s state-of-the-art gunship with a Stinger missile, a weapon best known for being the anti-aircraft missile of choice for third-world militias during the early 1980s.)

Liquid:  (As the helicopter is crashing) But I still haven’t told you my life story!

Normal, non-Crazy Gamers:  Fuck, that means he’s not really dead.

(Snake climbs down the communications tower and begins to make his way across a snowfield.  Sniper Wolf is there and they fight again.  Snake wins.  As he crosses the snowfield, he finds her, lying in a pool of blood.)

Sniper Wolf:  Snake, I’ve been shot in the lung.  I cannot be saved.  Please just finish me off quick.

Snake:  (whips out gun) Ok.

Sniper Wolf:  But first, let me tell you my life story.

Snake:  (holsters gun) Dammit!

(Sniper Wolf tells a lengthy tale about being a Kurd, becoming a sniper, meeting Big Boss, and how she was waiting to die her whole life.  Apparently, being shot in the lung does not hinder her ability to ramble on for 30 minutes.  As she finishes, Otacon arrives.)

Otacon:  Wolf?  No!  I loved you.

Sniper Wolf:  Really?  We only met like a day ago, and we haven’t really spent much time together.  In fact, the only time we did talk, you were staring at my cleavage the entire time.

Otacon: (distracted) Huh?  Oh um, sorry – I was thinking about, uh… something else for a second.

Snake:  Well, to be fair to Otacon, it’s impossible not to notice your cleavage.  The way you’re dressed, you really ought to be called Sniper Whore.

Sniper Wolf:  Yeah, the thing is, we didn’t pack any extra clothes with us, and then the zipper on the front of my jumpsuit broke.

Snake:  Aren’t you freezing?  We’re outdoors in the middle of Alaska, and you’ve got the twins out for a walk.

Sniper Wolf:  Look, are you gonna finish me or not?

Snake:  Oh yeah, sorry.

Sniper Wolf:  One last thing…

Snake:  (sighs) Now what?

Sniper:  Can I have my gun?

(Otacon runs over and picks up Sniper Wolf’s rifle and is about to hand it to her.)

Snake:  (Stopping him.) Holy shit!  You almost gave someone who was just trying to kill us a loaded gun!  Are you really that stupid?

(Snake shoots Sniper Wolf in the face, killing her.  Otacon acts like an overemotional teenage girl for a while, and then he and Snake split up.)

Metal Gear Solid: The Play – Final Chapter

(After killing Sniper Wolf, Snake makes his way to a refrigeration room, where Vulcan Raven and his huge flock of ravens are waiting.)

Vulcan:  Hello, Snake.  This is the end of the road for you!

Snake:  Vulcan Raven!  So you’re here to stop me, huh?

Vulcan:  Yes, but first let me tell you all about myself.

Snake:  You guys must be the friendliest, chattiest group of terrorists in the world.

(Raven begins talking about birds, then he and Snake’s ancestry, and then, no joke, his favorite events at the Eskimo Olympics.)

Normal, non-crazy gamers:  Wait, is he talking about the Eskimo Olympics?  Seriously?  You know, this game is fun to play, but these cut-scenes couldn’t possibly get any stupider.

(Vulcan Raven has a tattoo of a bird on his head.  It comes to life and flies toward Snake.)

Normal, non-crazy gamers:  Ok, NOW it can’t possibly get any stupider.

(Snake and Raven fight.  This is rather anti-climatic, and consists mainly of Raven walking around the room aimlessly and stepping on mines.  Eventually, Snake wins.)

Raven:  Snake, there’s one thing I must tell you before I die.

Snake: (sighs) Here we go again…

Raven:  That guy you thought was the DARPA Chief was actually Decoy Octopus.

Snake:  That’s it?

Raven:  Yeah.

Snake:  No story of your life?  No explanation for why you are the way you are?  No mind-bendingly insane philosophical viewpoints about war?

Raven:  No, that’s it.  I’m gonna let my flock of birds eat me now.

Snake:  Ok.  Thanks.

(Vulcan Raven’s body is eaten by the birds.  Snake continues on to the room where Metal Gear is being stored.  Otacon calls him on the radio.)

Otacon:  Snake!  I figured how the override key works.  The one key you’re carrying is actually all three keys.

Snake:  What?

Otacon:  Yeah.  It changes shape depending on whether its hot, cold or room temperature.  So in order to do the override, you’ll have to take the key to the control room, input it into the computer, then take it someplace cold, freeze it, and take it back to the control room and put it into the computer again.  Then you’ll have to take it to a really hot room and do it all over again.

Snake:  Really?  If I was a little more cynical, I might think that was a really cheap and pointless way to make this relatively short mission last a little bit longer without actually adding anything of any real substance.

(Snake inputs the key, then freezes it, inputs it, then heats it and inputs it a third time.)

Computer : PAL code number three confirmed. PAL code entry complete…  Denotation code ACTIVATED.

Snake:  What?  Activated!

(Liquid Snake calls him on the radio.)

Liquid:  Dude!  I can’t believe that worked!

Snake:  Liquid!  What did you do?

Liquid:  We totally tricked you!  Ocelot killed the DARPA Chief before we could get his password, so we needed the keycards to start the launch.  All we had to do was pretend we really did have the codes, and you did the rest.  Now we can launch nukes!

Snake:  Wow, I guess they knew reverse psychology after all.

(Liquid climbs into the cockpit of Metal Gear.  Snake runs out of the control room and aims his pistol at him.)

Liquid:  Snake, would you actually shoot your own… TWIN BROTHER?

Snake:  Are you really my twin brother?

Liquid:  Yes, Snake.  I’m your twin brother – but not like the normal kind.  We were created in a lab, and the scientists gave you all the good dominant genes, while I got all the leftover recessive genes.

Snake:  You mean like in the Arnold Swartzenegger movie Twins?

Liquid:  Yes, Snake!  Exactly like that.  I’m Danny DeVito.

(Snake shoots Metal Gear with his pistol a few times.)

Liquid:  Ha!  Did you really think you could stop the Ultimate Weapon with a mere pistol?  Now it’s time for you to die!

(Liquid closes Metal Gear’s cockpit, and begins attacking Snake.  Snake calls Otacon for help.)

Snake:  How do I destroy Metal Gear?

Otacon:  Shoot the radar dish with a Stinger missile.

Snake:  What?  That’s it?

Otacon:  Yes, the Stinger missile can destroy anything… apparently.  Anyway, if you take out the radar dish, all the sensors will go out, and he’ll be forced to open the cockpit to see you.  Once he does that, shoot him.

Snake:  Wait, so you made the cockpit out of materials that the pilot can’t see through, which in turn makes him completely dependant on a radar dish which can be easily destroyed from outside?

Otacon:  Yes.

Snake:  That’s the worst design ever.  Did you get your engineering degree from an online University, or are you just an idiot?

Otacon:  Hey!  That design was based off of the mechs in a very popular anime.

Snake:  Oh, well that explains it.

(Snake begins to battle Metal Gear, scoring several direct hits on the radar dish with Stinger missiles, which damages it severely.  Just as it looks like Snake is about to defeat the world’s ultimate weapon with a cold war-era, shoulder-mounted anti-aircraft missile, Metal Gear rushes him and is about to crush him under its feet.  At the last second, the ninja appears, knocks Snake out of the way, and holds back Metal Gear’s leg.)

Snake:  Wow!  You’re strong enough to hold back the entire weight of Metal Gear?

Ninja:  That’s nothing.  I can tell you my entire backstory while holding up Metal Gear!

(He does.  This takes a few minutes.)

Snake:  Pretty impressive.

Ninja:  See?  I told you I was letting you win when we fought earlier.

(The ninja gets out from under Metal Gear, and starts doing some impressive flips.  Just as he’s about to destroy the radar dish, Metal Gear catches him and pins him against a wall with the nose of its cockpit.  Unfazed, the ninja shoots the radar dish, finally destroying it once and for all.  The cockpit opens.)

Liquid:  My dish!  Now how am I supposed to get the NFL Network?

Ninja:  Snake, I don’t have much time before he crushes me to death.  I want you to shoot us both with a Stinger missile.

Snake:  Okay.

Ninja:  But not until I give you a lengthy explanation of why I want to die so badly.

(The ninja starts rambling on about he’s been trapped between life and death, waiting to be killed.  Luckily, Liquid cuts him short by crushing him.  Snake shoots the cockpit, destroying Metal Gear.  As the machine comes crashing down all around him, he is knocked unconscious.  When he awakes, he and Liquid are standing atop of the wreckage.)

Liquid:  Well Snake, we both knew it would come to this.

Snake:  A climatic final battle?

Liquid:  No!  The longest cutscene in the history of video games!  I’m going to spend the next 40 minutes talking about crazy-ass nonsense!

Normal, non-crazy gamers:  Well, this seems like a good time to go mow the lawn. (leaves)

(Liquid Snake begins an insane rant about cloning, conspiracy theories, DNA, and symmetry.  While he is rambling, Solid Snake pulls out a 1040 Form and begins doing his taxes.  About ten minutes later…)

Liquid: …you see, Gulf War Syndrome was really just a conspiracy to cover up the effects of injecting the soldiers with modified genes.  Of course, I’m giving you the shortened version – I’ve written a lot more about this on my blog.

Snake:  Uh huh.  Hey, do you think I have to claim the guns I picked up on this mission as additional income?

Liquid:  No, I think as long as you used them for the mission, they’re a business expense.  Hey, are you even paying attention?

Snake:  No.

(Liquid continues anyway.  After about another 20 minutes, Normal, non-crazy gamers return from mowing the lawn.)

Normal, non-crazy gamers:  Hey, did I miss anything interesting?

Liquid: …so the Genome soldiers are all flawed on the genetic level.  That’s why we need Big Boss’ DNA.

Normal, non-crazy gamers:  I guess not.

Snake:  Are you done yet?

Liquid:  What’s the matter Snake?  Are you getting impatient just because the White House is going to bomb the base with us in it?

Snake:  What?  (To his radio) Colonel, is that true?

Campbell: Yes Snake, I’m afraid it is true.  Bombers have already launched.  The Secretary of Defense has ordered it personally.

Snake:  Colonel…

Campbell:  Don’t worry Snake.  I’ll call off the strike.  That’ll confuse them and buy you some time to hear the rest of Liquid’s rambling.

(There are sounds of a struggle over the radio.)

Mysterious voice over radio:  No you won’t!  I’m relieving you of command!

Snake:  What?

Mysterious voice over radio:  It’s me Snake, the Secretary of Defense.  I’ve taken over this mission.

Snake:  What happened to the Colonel?

Secretary of Defense:  He’s been placed under arrest.  I’m in command now.

Snake:  Wait, wasn’t he commanding me from a submarine?  How did you get on the submarine?  What are you, like an elite commando and Secretary?

SoD:  It doesn’t matter.  What’s important now is that we cover up this whole thing by nuking the entire base to destroy all evidence of Metal Gear, the research, the Genome soldiers, and especially you and Liquid.  You two are a couple of mistakes from the 70s, like the Bay City Rollers or those bright yellow jerseys the Pittsburgh Pirates used to wear.

Normal, non-crazy gamers:  Wow, in the span of about thirty minutes this game has gone from having a decent story to becoming a flaming trainwreck of insanity.

Metal Gear Fanboys:  So… awesome…

Liquid:  It’s all over Snake.  There isn’t enough time for either of us to escape.

Snake:  Well there probably would have been if you hadn’t wasted the last half-hour with your half-baked nonsense.  We could be miles away from here by now.

(Liquid Snake and Solid Snake fight hand-to-hand.  Eventually, Snake knocks Liquid off of the wreckage of Metal Gear to certain death.  Otacon arrives.)

Otacon:  Snake, the bombing will begin soon.  We have to escape!

(Snake and Otacon hop in a jeep and start driving out of the base.  Suddenly, Liquid comes up in a jeep behind them!)

Otacon:  It’s Liquid!  He’s still alive… somehow!

(They chase and shoot at each other for a while.  Both jeeps exit the base and crash.  Snake is knocked out, and as he awakens, he sees Liquid walking toward him, with a gun aimed at his head.)

Liquid:  Time to die, Snake!

(Suddenly, Liquid dies of a heart attack, much like the Armstech President and Decoy Octopus.)

Snake:  That was anti-climatic.

Otacon:  No kidding.  It would have been a lot more poetic if he had died after fighting you hand-to-hand atop the burning wreckage of the weapon you destroyed while inside a base that was about to be bombed.

Snake:  Speaking of which, where are the bombers?

(Campbell calls on the radio)

Campbell:  Don’t worry Snake, the bombers have been called off.  Turns out the Secretary of Defense was acting alone, and the president had no idea what was going on.  Once he found out about all of this, he relieved the secretary of command and called off the attack.

Snake:  Wait, you mean to tell me that terrorists were threatening to attack the United States, and the president had absolutely no idea?

Campbell:  Yep.

Snake:  Well, I sure am glad something like that could only happen in a video game.

(Campbell, Snake and Otacon talk for a while about how they’re going to live their lives differently from now on.  Eventually, Snake and Otacon find a snowmobile and ride off into the sunset, but not before making a painfully lame 2001 reference.  The screen fades to black, and we hear the voice of Revolver Ocelot.)

Ocelot:  Yes, I recovered all the test data on Metal Gear… Snake is still alive… my cover is intact – the DARPA Chief figured out who I was, but I killed him… yes, thank you MR. PRESIDENT.

Metal Gear fanboys:  Holy cow!  Ocelot was working for the president all along in order to get research on Metal Gear!  That’s awesome!!!

Normal, non-crazy gamers:  Hmm, I hope they don’t completely ruin the sequels by force-feeding us some kind of lengthy, insane storyline that actually tries to make sense out of that revelation.

(They do.  At least twice.)

THE END.

The Bard's Tale Play

Way back in 1989, my brother got a sweet computer game called The Bard’s Tale for his 8th birthday. It was the first RPG we had ever played, and being 11 and 8, it took us a little while to get the hang of this genre, as the game was not exactly newbie friendly. 6 years later, we were finally able to beat this game, which a “normal” RPG player (i.e. older and more experienced) probably could have gotten through in a few months. Despite our struggles, my brother and I look back on this game rather fondly. It seems unnecessary to review a game that came out 15 years ago, and I thought it would be funnier just to write a narrative version of my characters’ adventures, and poke fun at the horrible names I gave my characters, some stupid mistakes I made as I learned how to play, and a few flaws within the gameplay and logic of the storyline…

Then, I decided it would be even better if I wrote it as a play, so that you could reenact it at home.  Anyway, I will be posting it here, one chapter per day, starting tomorrow.

The Bard's Tale Play – Chapter 1

(The Adventurer’s Guild in Skara Brae. Various adventurers are sitting around tables, having drinks and swapping stories.  A tall, bald man with greenish skin enters the room.)

Bald Man: My name is Tough Guy. I am a warrior, trained in the ways of armed combat. I seek worthy comrades to help me destroy the evil wizard Mangar, who has killed all the citizens of this town, and sealed the gates in a spell of eternal winter.

(a Monk in the back of the room rises)

Monk: Nice name.

Tough Guy: Look, I was named by an 11 year-old kid. I suppose you have a better name?

Monk: I am known as Good Guy.

Tough Guy: That’s really not any better. Look, do you want to go fight an evil wizard or not?

Good Guy: Yes, I will join you. Who else will join us?

(A buzz goes up through the Guild, and a cloaked man rises)

Cloaked Man: I will join you. I am known as Robber.

Tough Guy:  Your name is Robber? What do you do?

Robber:  I steal stuff.

Tough Guy: Um… well… I’m not sure that we really need a guy who steals stuff… We’re trying to slay an evil wizard.

Robber: Then what do you need a monk for?

Tough Guy: Good question.  What exactly do you do, Good Guy?

Good Guy: I am a fighting monk. Using ancient techniques, I am a master of hand to hand combat, without weapons or armor.

Tough Guy: No weapons or armor huh? Well that will save us some money.

Robber: Hey, I only fight with daggers and leather armor. That’s pretty cheap, too.

Good Guy: Yeah, but you’re going to rob us.

Robber:  Steal what?  Your crappy beginning of the game sword?  Your fashionable bandanna?

Good Guy:  Then why would a thief want to join us?  You don’t exactly come across as civically minded.

Robber:  That evil wizard probably has a ton of good stuff to steal.  Helping you guys would get me in there.  That’s why it wouldn’t make sense for me to rob you.

Tough Guy: Even so, what benefit do we get from having you around? Can you fight, or do magic?

Robber: Well… I can disarm traps… and… um… I can hide in the shadows.

Tough Guy: Hiding? That’s your skill?

Robber: I’m really good at it.

Good Guy: Can you sneak up on people from the shadows, and kill them?

Robber: No, not really… But when I hide, nobody attacks me. And I could steal their weapons, so they wouldn’t be able to fight you.

Tough Guy: You can do that?

Robber: Um… maybe?

Good Guy: Let’s just take him. I’m sure there will be traps in Mangar’s castle that he could disarm. Besides, he’d probably just follow us anyway…

Tough Guy: Alright. Robber, you’re in.

Robber: Excellent. By the way Tough Guy, why do you have green skin and smell bad?

Tough Guy: I’m a Half-Orc. Half Human, Half Orc.

Good Guy: You mean that one of you’re parents was an Orc, and the other was a human?

Tough Guy: Yep.

Robber: Really?

Tough Guy:  Yeah.

Robber:  Because I can honestly say I’ve never looked at an orc and thought “Man, I’d hit THAT!”

Tough Guy: They lived in a pretty small town.

Good Guy:  A small town where half the citizens were orcs, and humans had sex with them?  Where was this, Mississippi?

Tough Guy:  Look, whatever… Who else will join us?

(The other people in the guild discuss this plan with each other, and eventually 3 other people join the party – A conjurer named Whitey, a magician named White Beard, and a Hunter named Hitman)

Tough Guy: This is a well-balanced group. The three fighters will handle the armed combat and defend the other members. The two mages to aid us with their spell casting. And the rogue can scout out the enemies ahead and guide us through the dungeons.

Robber: Say what now?

Tough Guy: I mean the rogue will, uh… carry our stuff… and hide whenever danger comes…

White Beard: Wait, we’re going to let a guy named Robber carry our stuff? This seems like a bad idea.

Tough Guy: All right… 3 fighters for combat and carrying stuff, 2 mages for magic, and one rogue to keep us company.

Good Guy: Then let us venture forth!

The Bard's Tale Play – Chapter 2

(Having recruited a group a 6 noble warriors, the party decides what to do next.)

Tough Guy:    Well, the first place we should go is Garth’s Equipment Shop, to get some weapons and armor.

(They exit the guild, enter the street, and head out toward Garth’s)

White Beard:    Tough Guy, is it very far to the store?

Tough Guy:    No, not too far.

White Beard:    Good, because we don’t have any weapons yet… if we got attacked…

Tough Guy:    We’ll be fine – It’s the middle of the day, and we’re right out in the street. Nobody is going to attack us.  I mean, sure it’s been bad around here since the wizard took over, but its not like we’re walking around Detroit or something.

(Suddenly, the party is ambushed by a group of 4 spiders)

White Beard:    Spiders!

Whitey:    We don’t have any weapons!

Hitman:    Run away!

Good Guy:    They’re just spiders.

(Robber hides in the shadows)

Tough Guy:    No ordinary spiders will stand between us and…

(One of the spiders crawls up his foot and bites him on the ankle)

Tough Guy:    AAARRRGGHHHH! It bit me!

Good Guy:    Are you ok?

Tough Guy:    It feels like I lost at least half of my hit points!

Hitman:    Run away!

White Beard:    We’re surrounded!

Good Guy:    They’re spiders. They’re like 2 inches high. Just step over them.

(Following the advice of Good Guy, the party steps over the attacking spiders and runs away)

Whitey:    That’s weird, we ran away from the spiders, but somehow we’re in the exact same spot as before.

Robber:     Yeah, you probably shouldn’t think about stuff like that too much.

(They arrive at a building with a sign reading “Garth’s Equipment Shoppe” on it)

Tough Guy:    Here we are.

White Beard:    “Shoppe”? You said it was a “Shop”.

Tough Guy:    It’s the same thing.

White Beard:    We can’t afford anything in a “shoppe”. Let’s just go to Wal-Mart.

Tough Guy:    I don’t buy anything at Wal-Mart. Their corporate management has very blatant anti-guild labor policies.

(The other party members roll their eyes)

Robber:    Doesn’t matter. Last week the Wal-Mart was robbed and then burned down by… um, monsters.

Tough Guy:    Robber, when we get in there, DO NOT steal or burn anything.

Hitman:    Here come those spiders again! Get inside!

(The party quickly flees into Garth’s Equipment Shoppe, where they are greeted by Garth, a smiling, bearded man in his mid-30′s)

Garth:    Hail, travelers! Welcome to Garth’s Equipment Shoppe! Shoppe quality at Shop prices! I’m retired from the adventuring business, but I can help you get equipped for your own quest.

Whitey:    What do you mean, you’re retired? You look younger than all of us, and we’re on our first adventure ever. Look at me, I’ve got a white beard down to my knees.

White Beard:    Me too. I must be about 80.

Tough Guy:    Pay them no heed, Garth. I am Tough Guy, and these are my companions – Good Guy, Hitman, Whitey, White Beard, and um… Rob.

Garth:    Nice names! What, did an 11 year old name you?

Tough Guy:    Shut up… and… yes.

Garth:    Oh, sorry. Anyway, I would be glad to show you some… Oh my God! What happened to your leg?

Tough Guy:    I was attacked by a spider.

Garth:    A giant spider?

Tough Guy:    Nope, a regular one.

Garth:    Well, you might want to get that looked at. It looks like you lost about half of your HP.

Tough Guy:    Feels like it too. But enough about me.  How’s business been?

Garth:    Pretty good, actually. That evil wizard killed everyone in town, except for the adventurers. So a lot of them come in here now, buying stuff to protect themselves from the random monsters that have wandered the streets ever since he took over.

Tough Guy:    Well, we’re going to kill that evil wizard, but we need some equipment. I was hoping you’d be able to give us a little discount, since we’re going to save the town from evil.

Garth:    No discounts.

Good Guy:    But we’re going to free this town of the evil. Surely, you can see the benefit of that.

Garth:    Not really. Like I said, business has been a lot better since the town became evil. Lot more people buying weapons now. Actually, most of my best customers are evil.

Good Guy:    Wait, you sell to the evil guys?

Garth:    Hey, I’m trying to run a business here.  As long as they don’t pay me in evil gold, why should I care?

Tough Guy:    Very well. Hitman and I will need strong armor and weapons. The monk fights unarmed. And Robber will need light armor and a small knife.

Garth:    Robber?

Tough Guy:    Err… I mean, Robert. His name is Robert. And we’ll need some torches too.

White Beard:    And the mages need robes and staffs.

Tough Guy:    Why?

White Beard:    Because that’s what mages fight with.

Tough Guy:    You’re mages. Just stand behind us and cast spells.

Whitey:    But what if we’re ambushed? Or if you get killed?

White Beard:    Yeah, the rogue isn’t going to protect us. He just hides in the shadows. How come he gets a knife, but we don’t get anything?

Tough Guy:    Wait, what do you think we’re going to run into that could kill me, Hitman and Good Guy, yet you would be able to defeat with a heavy stick?

Whitey:    If something happens to you guys, we want to have some kind of chance of getting out, and getting to a temple to get you guys revived. It’s for your own good.

Tough Guy:    Have a chance? You’re mages. Cast spells. Run away. That’s how you guys are going to have a chance. A big piece of wood and some robes aren’t going to help you slay a dragon.

Whitey:    I don’t care. All the other magic users in town have them.

White Beard:  Yeah, we look silly going around questing in a t-shirt and jeans.

Tough Guy:    Fine. I’ll need 2 sets of robes and 2 staffs.

Garth:    Excellent. Now as far as weaponry is concerned, we have swords, maces, axes, halbards, clubs…

Tough Guy:    What’s the best?

Garth:    I don’t know.

Tough Guy:    I mean, which one does the most damage?

Garth:    Beats me. The halbard is the most expensive.

Tough Guy:    So it’s the best weapon, then?

Garth:    Uhhh… yes?

Tough Guy:    Well, can you tell me anything about it?

Garth:    Um… It’s a spear, and an axe, combined…

Tough Guy:    How much will it increase my attack by?

Garth:    I don’t know.

Tough Guy:    Is it more than the axe would?

Garth:    I don’t know.

Tough Guy:    Oh fine. Just give me 2 swords. Now then, armor…

Garth:    We have several different types of armor.

Tough Guy:    And I suppose you don’t know which kind would give me the lowest armor class?

Garth:    What’s an armor class?

Tough Guy:    Seriously? Fine… just… just give me two of the heaviest sets.

Garth:    You want shields, too? We have a wide variety.

Tough Guy:    Yeah. Let me guess. You have no idea which shield is the best.

Garth:    No idea at all.

Good Guy:    Look Garth, you see this really huge shield? That’s better than the really little one.

Garth:    I see…

Tough Guy:    Just give me 2.

Garth:    Okay, all that stuff comes to 10,000 gold.

Robber:    Let’s just kill him and take it.

Tough Guy:  What?  No!

White Beard:  Actually, just taking this stuff does make a lot of sense if you think about it.

Tough Guy:  But that would undermine the very ideals of law and order we’re fighting to protect.

White Beard:  You’re the one who decided to let a thief join the party.

Tough Guy:  Good Guy, help me out here… be the voice of morality.

Good Guy:  Well, actually… he does help arm Mangar’s armies, so he’s kind of enabling the evil to continue.  If anything, I’d say we have a moral obligation to kill him.

Garth:  I have to admit, I’m feeling less inclined to sell weapons to you guys.

Tough Guy:  Nobody is killing Garth. We’ll just have to come back and get the shields later. (Winks at Robber). Know what I mean?

Robber:    Right, right… I gotcha. (Returns wink)

Garth:    Okay, without the shields, its 8,000 gold.

(Tough guy pays him)

Garth:    As long as you’re going to fight that wizard, I should give you these things. (Hands Tough Guy a book and a parchment)

Tough Guy:    What’s this? “Instruction Manual”?

Garth:    It has all the spells in it, and tells you how to go adventuring. The other thing is a map of the town.

Tough Guy:    Thank you.

(They leave)

Tough Guy:    Robber, did you steal us those shields?

Robber:    No. You said not to steal anything.

Tough Guy:    Didn’t you see the wink?

Robber:    Oh! That’s what that was about? Why didn’t you say so?

Tough Guy:    You suck, Robber.

(Without warning, the party is attacked by the 4 spiders again)

Tough Guy:    Ha ha! Foul spiders, you will not find us such easy adversaries this time around! With our new armaments, the grievous wound to my ankle will be avenged!

(A spider crawls up Tough Guy’s leg and bites him just below the knee)

Tough Guy:    Aiiiiieeee! I am slain!

(Tough Guy dies)

White Beard:    That spider killed Tough Guy!

Hitman:    Run away!

(Good Guy steps on a spider, killing it)

Good Guy:    We can beat them. Just fight!

(Robber steps on and kills a spider. The remaining 2 spiders bite Hitman, killing him.)

White Beard:    They killed Hitman! What devilry is this?

(White Beard steps on a spider, killing it)

Good Guy:    One spider left! Kill it Whitey!

(Whitey starts thumbing through the Instruction Manual)

Good Guy:    What are you doing? Step on it!

(Whitey find the listing of spells in the back of the Instruction Manual, and casts Arc of Fire. A huge fireball falls out of the sky, and slams into the ground, with a massive explosion that annihilates 3 city blocks. The last spider is killed)

Good Guy:    (Looking around at the half-mile radius of scorched earth and destroyed buildings) Jesus Christ, Whitey. It was just a spider.

Robber:    Look, they left a pile of gold.

Good Guy:    Why would we get gold for killing 4 spiders?

White Beard:    Who cares? Let’s get them to the temple and use it to revive these two.

(The remaining 4 adventurers go to a temple, where the healers are able to revive their  fallen comrades)

Tough Guy:    I don’t understand. Why didn’t my armor protect me from the spiders?

Temple Worker:    Probably because it’s still in your backpack.

Tough Guy:    So?

Temple Worker:    It’s not a lucky charm. You have to wear your armor. And hit stuff with your weapon. They won’t work unless you equip them.

Tough Guy:    Equip our items, eh? You think it would have been mentioned somewhere in this Instruction Manual.

(The party equips its items)

Hitman:    This is much better!

Good Guy:    Except for me.  I didn’t get anything.

The Bard's Tale Play – Chapter 3

(After many days of wandering aimlessly, killing spiders, wild dogs, and the occasional crazy guy with a stick, our protagonists stop for a rest.)

Hitman:    I’m thirsty. Let’s go to a tavern.

Tough Guy:    How can you be thirsty? You haven’t stopped drinking since we left. I know for a fact you have at least 6 bottles of ale in your pack.

Hitman:    I’m sick of drinking ale.

Good Guy:    Well, lets see – there’s the Skull Tavern, the Green Tavern, the Traveler’s Tavern…

Tough Guy:    There sure are a lot of taverns for a town where almost everyone has been killed.

Good Guy:    Yeah, that’s kind of weird… And come to think of it, the taverns are always full of people.

Tough Guy:    And the weapons shop is doing booming business… and the Adventurer’s Guild is always full of people… And none of the temples has closed…

Good Guy:    Skara Brae has a pretty booming economy for being trapped under a spell of eternal winter and ravaged by monsters… Are we sure almost everyone’s been killed?

Tough Guy:    Most of these “monsters” we’ve seen weren’t really anything too ferocious. Maybe this town just needs an animal control officer.

Good Guy:    Come to think of it, I don’t actually know anyone who has died.

Hitman:    Hey, I’m still thirsty, here…

White Beard:    Well, the Skull Tavern is closest.

Robber:    We can’t go there.

Tough Guy:    Why not?

Robber:    Uh… we just can’t, ok?

Good Guy:    I told you bringing him would be trouble.

Tough Guy:    It’s no big deal, we’ll just go to the Green Tavern.

Hitman:    I want wine.

Good Guy:    You want wine? Since when do you care? I saw you drink Tough Guy’s armor polish.

Hitman:    I want wine. They don’t have it at the Green Tavern.

Tough Guy:    Fine. Which taverns have wine?

Hitman:    Only the South Tavern.

Tough Guy:    (looks at map) The South Tavern? That’s all the way across town. And there’s a Guardian Statue blocking the way.

White Beard:    Forget that… You remember what happened when we tried to go past that statue in front of the big castle?

Tough Guy:    Actually, I don’t remember… I kinda remember waking up in a temple…

White Beard:    The statue turned into a dragon, breathed fire all over us, and killed 4 of you. Whitey and I had to drag your bodies back to the temple and get you resurrected.

Whitey:    And you mocked us when we wanted robes. These robes saved our lives.

Tough Guy:    I seriously doubt that it was those stupid robes that kept you alive… I mean, they’re flammable for one thing…

White Beard:    The point is, no guardian statues.

Good Guy:    Why would a tavern have a guardian statue… seems bad for business.

Hitman:    Let’s go look at it.  It might just be a regular statue.

Tough Guy:    Hitman’s probably right. Let’s go.

(They walk across town, killing a variety of insects, stray animals, and lightly armed lunatics along the way. Eventually, they arrive before a statue of a Samurai)

White Beard:    That’s definitely a Guardian Statue. Look at all those weapons.

Hitman:    Nah, I think its decorative.

Tough Guy:    It’s in the middle of the street.

Hitman:    Probably so that everyone who goes down the street gets to see it.

Good Guy:    It’s a samurai. A statue like that wouldn’t make any sense as a decoration. Look around – Knights, European castles, European architecture on all the buildings, everything is very western. A samurai statue doesn’t fit in.

Tough Guy:    Come to think of it, I’m surprised we even know what a samurai is.

Hitman:    The fact that is doesn’t fit in is what makes it such a great decoration. Trust me.

(Hitman begins to walk past the statue. As he gets close, it turns into a real samurai and prepares to fight them.)

White Beard:    You know, if I were to never again see a statue turn into something that wants to kill us, it would still be too soon.

(The party begins to fight the samurai. Robber hides in the shadows. Tough Guy slashes it with his sword, doing much damage. Good Guy kicks it in the face, also hurting it badly. Hitman stabs it in the finger, doing little.)

Tough Guy:    What the heck was that, Hitman?

Hitman:    I’m an assassin. My attacks don’t do a lot of damage, but I try to strike nerve centers and cause instant death.

Tough Guy:    His finger?

Hitman:    Well, excuse me if I’m not up to speed on the anatomy of a Samurai.

(While this conversation is taking place, White Beard uses a magic spell to superheat the samurai’s armor, boiling him to death inside it.)

Hitman:    Good God! That’s was horrific… Not to mention the smell…

Tough Guy:    Are all mages this sadistic, or did we get the extra-messed up ones?

Robber:    Look, the Samurai turned into a big pile of gold, just like all the other stuff we’ve killed.

(After gathering up the gold, the group walks to the tavern and enters.)

Barkeeper:    Hail travelers! Welcome to the South Tavern. What will it be? We serve Beer, Ale, Mead, Whiskey, Viking Juice, Dragon’s Blood, Wine, Hard Cider, Hair from the Devil’s Beard, and Apple Juice.

Tough Guy:    A bottle of wine, good sir.

Barkeeper:    Well, that’s a bit of a trick. You’ve got to get it yourself. Our wine cellar is full of monsters.

Good Guy:    Why is your wine cellar full of monsters?

Barkeeper:    Uh… Monsters like wine?

Hitman:    Aw screw it, just give me one of everything with a cool name.

Tough Guy:    Oh no you don’t, Mr. I’m-Too-Drunk-to-Do-Anything-But-Stab-People-In-the-Finger. You made us walk all the way across town and fight that statue so you could have wine. We could have gotten drinks with cool names at the Green Tavern.

Robber:    Well, actually we couldn’t have.

Tough Guy:    Why not?

Robber:    Um… well… let’s just say that at least I couldn’t have…

Good Guy:    I thought that was the Skull Tavern.

Robber:    Yeah… them too… oh, and we can’t go to the temple on Arrow St.

Barkeeper:    (To Robber) Hey, don’t I know you?

Tough Guy:    Uh, we’ll go get that bottle of wine now. Where’s the stairs?

(The Barkeeper points to the stairs and the group quickly enters the wine cellar)

Barkeeper:    I swear I’ve seen that guy before…

The Bard's Tale Play – Chapter 4

(The group finds itself in a dark, musty, wine cellar. After wandering around for a bit they are attacked by 3 skeletons. Tough guy and Good Guy each destroy one. Hitman hits the third with a glancing blow that doesn’t seem to do any harm.)

Tough Guy:    Come on, Hitman. Just once, could you kill something?

Hitman:    Look, when I instantly kill some insanely tough monster with one well-placed strike, you’ll be glad I came along.

White Beard:    A skill which would have been real handy against the dragon statue, by the way.

Good Guy:    Look, all we’re saying is that you’re going to have to step it up a bit. Me and Tough Guy each killed a skeleton, couldn’t you do the same?

Skeleton:    Hey, I am right here, you know.

Tough Guy:    Shut up! (he kills the last skeleton)

Robber:    Hey, the skeletons dropped a treasure chest.

Tough Guy:    No pile of gold?

Robber:    Must be inside.

White Beard:    Why would a group of skeletons be wandering around a wine cellar, lugging around a treasure chest?

Whitey:    They like wine?

Robber:    Let’s open it.

Good Guy:    Wait, check it for traps first.

(There is a brief pause. After a few seconds, everyone turns and looks at Robber)

Robber:    Oh, you meant me?

Tough Guy:    This is what we brought you for.

Robber:    Right. Ok then… check it for traps… check it for traps… let’s see…

(Robber looks over the chest)

Robber:    Hmmm… looks ok.

Whitey:    Hold on.

(Whitey casts a trap disarming spell. There is a loud noise from inside the chest as several potentially deadly traps are destroyed.)

Robber:    Oh yeah, forgot to check for that one.

(They open the chest and take their treasure)

Tough Guy:    You know, we’ve been in this wine cellar for a little while, and I couldn’t help but notice that it seems particularly devoid of wine.

Hitman:    No kidding.

Good Guy:    Hey, look what I found. It’s some stairs.

Tough Guy:    Where do they go?

Good Guy:    To the sewers. I bet that’s where the monsters are coming from.

Tough Guy:    Let’s go down there.

Whitey:    Um… why do you want to go into the sewer?

Hitman:    Yeah, there’s no wine down there.

Tough Guy:    Shut up about your wine. We’re going into the sewer.

Whitey:    What for? It’s a sewer full of monsters.

Hitman:    Why does the tavern’s cellar have a stairway to the sewer?

Tough Guy:    Well, the town gates are sealed off, so maybe new supplies get delivered from outside through the sewers.

Good Guy:    That would explain why the weapon shoppe, taverns, temples and other places haven’t run out of things.

White Beard:    You didn’t know about this? Whitey and I got here through the sewers.

Robber:    So let me see if I have this straight. We’re on this mission because the evil wizard sealed off the whole town, killed everyone, and has brought in evil monsters to roam the streets to terrorize the survivors.

Tough Guy:    Yes.

Robber:    But, since we’ve started on our journey, we were able to buy a ton of weapons and armor. When we have died, we were able to go to a temple and get resurrected for a reasonable price. The toughest monster we’ve come across wandering the streets so far, aside from a dragon that wouldn’t have even attacked us if we hadn’t tried to break into the castle he was guarding, has been a wild dog. All the businesses we’ve gone to are doing well, and the taverns are packed with people. And we just discovered the both people and goods can enter and exit the town via the sewers.

Tough Guy:    Yes.

Robber:    So… why are we trying to kill the evil wizard?

The Bard's Tale Play – Chapter 5

(The party enters the sewers. After a quick battle against monsters that attacked them upon their arrival, they stop to go over their situation.)

White Beard:    Well who would have guessed, it’s a sewer full of monsters. Can we go back now?

Tough Guy:    No, we need to explore this.

White Beard:    Why? It’s a sewer. And there are monsters in it. Look. (points) There’s one over there.

Tough Guy:    The sewer may have clues on how to access Mangar’s evil tower.

Hitman:    Why would there be clues like that in the sewer?

Tough Guy:    Look, we explored the whole town. We can’t get into the Baron’s castle, we can’t get into the friendly wizard’s tower, and we can’t get into the evil wizard’s tower. It’s this or nothing.

White Beard:    If the sewer is our best lead, we’re screwed.

Good Guy:    (sees something on the wall) Hey, what’s this?

Hitman:    Someone wrote a message on the wall.

Tough Guy:    Finally! The clue we needed! Robber, what does it say?

Robber:    Why do I have to read it?

Tough Guy:    You’re the rogue. If it’s a trap, you’ll be able to tell.

Robber:    Yeah, but um…

Tough Guy:    What?

Robber:    Well, the thing is…

Good Guy:    You can’t read, can you?

Robber:    Yeah. Why doesn’t Tough Guy read it then?

Tough Guy:    Um… Hitman is closer.

Hitman:    I can’t see so good in the dark.

Whitey:    You’re an assassin. You work in the dark.

Good Guy:    Neither one of you can read, can you?

(Tough Guy and Hitman shamefully shake their heads)

Good Guy:    Well, that’s just great.

Tough Guy:    What do you want? I’m a half-orc. You should be glad I can tie my own shoes.

Hitman:    Besides, it’s not like Mangar is going to make us read books when we fight him.

(Good Guy reads to himself)

Tough Guy:    Is it a clue?

Good Guy:    It says “Golems are made of stone”

Whitey:    Well… dur.

White Beard:    Great. Can we get out of the sewer now?

Tough Guy:    No, we must venture on, and find more… clues. Robber, this place could be dangerous, I want you looking out for traps.

Whitey:    Why would there be traps in the sewer?

Tough Guy:    I don’t know. Why is it full of monsters?

White Beard:    Of course, this brings me back to my original point. If it’s a sewer, and it’s full of not only monsters, but also now traps, why are we hanging around?

Tough Guy:    Because we may find some more clues.

Whitey:    Like the last one?  What value is that?  Is someone going to ask us trivia?

White Beard:    (sarcastically) I’ll take Golems for $500, Mangar.

Whitey:    (in an Alex Trebek voice) Golems are made of this.

White Beard:    What is stone?

Good Guy:    Well, we might as well go on.

(The party carries on, fighting many monsters. After some time, they find another message)

Good Guy:    It says, “Pass the light at night”

Robber:    What do you suppose that means?

Tough Guy:    Must be some kind of warning. If we see a light, we shouldn’t pass it until nightfall.

Hitman:    What do you suppose happens if you pass it during the day?

Tough Guy:    You probably die.

White Beard:    Then how could they write the warning?

Tough Guy:    Hmm… maybe you’re just badly injured.

White Beard:    Yes, but if I were badly injured, I’d go back and get medical attention. I wouldn’t hang around here writing on the wall.

Whitey:    What do you even use to write on the walls of a sewer?

Tough Guy:    The blood of a smart-ass mage. Can we continue?

Whitey:    You know, if you’re going to be like that, we’ll just write down our sarcastic remarks and then you won’t have any idea what we’re saying.

(They tramp through the sewer some more. Suddenly, a cloud a poison gas is unleashed upon them)

Good Guy:    (coughing) Is everyone ok?

Whitey:    I lost a few hit points, but I’m ok. What happened?

Hitman:    Poison gas cloud.

Tough Guy:    Where were you on that one, Robber?

Robber:    Uh, well… you see, even the best thieves aren’t going to find ALL the traps.

Tough Guy:    Have you found any traps yet?

Good Guy:    Look, lets just go on. I’m sure Robber will redeem himself eventually.

White Beard:    Speaking of useless party members, we’re still waiting for Hitman to kill some terrible monster with one perfect strike.

Good Guy:    Guys, this really isn’t the best time for pointing out how much Hitman and Robber suck.

Tough Guy:    He’s right. We should go on.

(The party marches on. Along the way they get into many battles, during which Hitman does little damage to his enemies. They also step onto many traps that Robber fails to notice. Eventually they come upon a mouth, floating in midair.)

White Beard:    Whoa, that’s pretty weird.

Floating Mouth:    Know this. That a man called Tarjan…

Tough Guy:    That is so cool. A floating mouth.

Floating Mouth:    Know this. That a…

Whitey:    I wonder how this happened?

Floating Mouth:    Know this…

Hitman:    It’s awesome.

Good Guy:    I think it’s trying to tell us something.

Floating Mouth:    Know this. That a man called Tarjan, thought by many to be insane, had through wizardry powers proclaimed himself a God. His image is locked in stone until made whole again.

Tough Guy:    Did you guys get all that?

Whitey:    I think we better write that down.

White Beard:    Or we could just take the thing with us.

Tough Guy:    Robber, you’re the thief, grab it.

Mouth:     What?  You can’t just take me with you.

(Despite it’s protests, Robber takes the floating mouth and puts it in his bag.  Further on, they see a bright light.)

Whitey:     That must be the exit.

(Whitey walks toward the light and is vaporized)

White Beard:     Correction.  That must have been the light we’re supposed to pass at night.

Good Guy:     He’s completely gone!  We can’t even revive him at a temple.

Robber:    I’m scared!

Hitman:    Run away!

(The party flees, running through the sewers, the wine cellar, the tavern and not stopping until they are back on the streets of Skara Brae)

Tough Guy:    Well, we knew there would be dangers. The important thing is that Whitey and White Beard were virtually identical, so no big loss.

Good Guy:    And we did get a good clue about that Tarjan guy. For now, we should go to the Guild and get a replacement for Whitey.

Tough Guy:    Then we can go to the Equipment Shoppe to buy new gear with all the money we made from killing monsters.

White Beard:    (sarcastic) Oooh, let’s go shopping…  You’re such a woman, Tough Guy.