Lester the Unlikely was an attempt by game publisher DTMC to make a protagonist that gamers can more easily relate to, specifically someone who seemed like they also would be a gamer. And since DTMC hated the people who bought their games (a point that can be proven definitively by the very gameplay of Lester the Unlikely), they decided that he should probably look like this:
“Thanks for the money, though!” – the people who made Lester the Unlikely
Anyway, as the game begins, Lester goes down to the industrial docks to read his comic book, because that’s a totally normal thing to do:
Perhaps it’s called Lester the Unlikely, because WHO THE FUCK DOES THIS???
Where he promptly falls asleep next to a pile of shipping crates and is loaded onto the ship. The ship is then attacked by pirates and sunk, for plot purposes:
My favorite part about that screenshot is the degree to which it downplays just how insane all that is. “As chance would have it” makes it sound like while its certainly out of the ordinary for a guy to unwittingly be loaded onto a ship as cargo and then that ship is sunk by pirates, it’s not totally unheard of; instead of being the craziest thing ever, which is is. Honestly, Cool Spot had a more believable plot than this, and that was a game about the 7-Up logo coming to life and having adventures.
Anyway, Lester freaks out whenever he’s near a big jump or some kind of enemy, often running away and doing the opposite of whatever you tell him to do. Which in a platforming game doesn’t get annoying or repetitive AT ALL. Eventually though, he does get over his fear enough to stomp the hell out of some crabs:
Since at least the days of the original Mario Bros., crabs haven’t fared well in video games.
This was immediately followed by our favorite moment in the entire game – the part where Lester got bit in the dick by a turtle and died:
We stopped playing after that, because once you’ve seen the hero die from animal-related genital attack, a game really has nowhere else to go but downhill.