Lester the Unlikely

Lester the Unlikely was an attempt by game publisher DTMC to make a protagonist that gamers can more easily relate to, specifically someone who seemed like they also would be a gamer. And since DTMC hated the people who bought their games (a point that can be proven definitively by the very gameplay of Lester the Unlikely), they decided that he should probably look like this:

Lester The Unlikely (U)000

“Thanks for the money, though!” – the people who made Lester the Unlikely

 

Anyway, as the game begins, Lester goes down to the industrial docks to read his comic book, because that’s a totally normal thing to do:

Lester The Unlikely (U)Lester The Unlikely (U)001

Perhaps it’s called Lester the Unlikely, because WHO THE FUCK DOES THIS???

Where he promptly falls asleep next to a pile of shipping crates and is loaded onto the ship. The ship is then attacked by pirates and sunk, for plot purposes:

Lester The Unlikely (U)006

My favorite part about that screenshot is the degree to which it downplays just how insane all that is. “As chance would have it” makes it sound like while its certainly out of the ordinary for a guy to unwittingly be loaded onto a ship as cargo and then that ship is sunk by pirates, it’s not totally unheard of; instead of being the craziest thing ever, which is is. Honestly, Cool Spot had a more believable plot than this, and that was a game about the 7-Up logo coming to life and having adventures.

Anyway, Lester freaks out whenever he’s near a big jump or some kind of enemy, often running away and doing the opposite of whatever you tell him to do. Which in a platforming game doesn’t get annoying or repetitive AT ALL. Eventually though, he does get over his fear enough to stomp the hell out of some crabs:

Lester The Unlikely (U)011

Since at least the days of the original Mario Bros., crabs haven’t fared well in video games.

This was immediately followed by our favorite moment in the entire game – the part where Lester got bit in the dick by a turtle and died:

Lester The Unlikely (U)013“My diiiiiiiiiiiiiick!”


We stopped playing after that, because once you’ve seen the hero die from animal-related genital attack, a game really has nowhere else to go but downhill.

Everything You Need to Know About Gamergate (featuring Jay Cutler)

So, Gamergate has been a big deal in the gaming business for a while now, and about a month ago it became a big enough story to start getting covered in the mainstream media. Even so, it’s a complicated story with a lot of details and different aspects, so I can’t say I blame people for not really knowing what it’s about or how to feel. We’ve put together a helpful guide to help our loyal viewers understand better.

How it Started

Back in August or so, allegations began to swirl that an indie game developer named Zoe Quinn…

jay2

The Heart of the Matter

But while the initial allegations have been disproved, the whole controversy began to call into question the ethics of so-called game “journalism”, with…

jay3

Latest Developments

The whole controversy has shown to have some lasting power, and as of October…

JC

And there you have it – everything you need to know about Gamergate. I think Jay Cutler speaks for all of us here at Revoking the Seal of Quality, because of course he does, because he fucking rules.

Plok

Plok (U)002

 

If the lettering you typically see on the signs for Chinese restaurants had sex with the most 90s-ist font in the world, the resulting offspring would be the letters they used in Plok. This is the kind of world my imagination creates – one where fonts are considered representative of a particular decade, and then they crossbreed with other fonts.

Also, look at how super pissed he is that it’s not the right flag! He’s FURIOUS! Mario didn’t get anywhere close to that angry, and he was in the entirely wrong castle. Try to learn some perspective, Plok.

 

Magic Sword

Hey look, a chimera. Leave it to the ancient Greeks or whatever to come up with the best monsters. That’s the advantage of having a religion where you have like 50 different Gods, and half of them are drunk all the time – it’s not hard to imagine one of them getting totally wasted and just stapling 4 animals to each other.

Magic Sword (U)000

Honestly, I’m always excited when I see a chimera in a game or movie, because you hardly ever see them anywhere and the descriptions are always so weird that they’re hard to imagine. Then I see one and remember why nobody tries it.

Scorpions Saturday – Big City Nights

This week, we get away from the Crazy World album (even though that album is awesome), and bring you a video from the 1980s, Big City Nights:

 

 

What’s great about this video is that you get to see the guys “being themselves”, and it turns out that “themselves”, or at least the version of themselves that they wanted to portray in this video, are kind of fun-loving, cheesy guys. Like if you had a friend with a corny dad who told lame jokes, and did a bunch of other corny dad things, this is what you probably expect he was like back in his younger, pre-dad days. Oh, and since its an 80s hard rock video, there’s tons of cleavage, and skin-tight leather outfits… being worn by various young ladies throughout the video and most notably, the guys in the band.

The 80s were just more fun, you know?

Ogre Battle: March of the Black Queen

Well, here’s what I’ve been waiting for; a strategy game that does away with all that boring stuff like battle tactics and focuses on what people really enjoy – moving your units around the map. Your input during what passes for Ogre Battle’s, uh, battles, is pretty limited, allowing you to focus instead on the pure excitement of watching your armies SLOWLY make their way across the map. Will your soldiers make it all the way to that city before the day ends? Only time – an ungodly amount of it – will tell!

It’s important that you sit and wait for your armies to visit all those towns, though. This is a critical part of the game as each town you visit allows you to add a tarot card to your deck. Look out, enemy soldiers, we’re going to tell your fortune!

 

Ogre Battle (U)001

Oh, you’ve drawn the Jack of Ogre Battle – I see boredom in your future. So much boredom.

This game goes for kidnapping ransom prices on eBay, because it’s rare, because Enix correctly guessed that nobody wanted to buy a game about watching armies of tarot card readers walk around a map. I have no idea who’s paying those kind of prices to buy Ogre Battle, but I secretly hope whoever it is is doing it in a misguided attempt to impress women: “And here’s my super rare copy of Ogre Battle, which I got off Ebay for $100… hey, wait… where are you going?”

Ogre Battle (U)002

The only thing about buying this game that makes anyone happy is knowing they’ll be able to sell it and get most of their money back.

Scorpions Saturday! (pt 2)

What, did you think Scorpions Saturday was going to be a one-off? Ha! I will keep doing Scorpions Saturday until I run out of awesome Scorprions songs. AND I WILL NEVER RUN OUT OF AWESOME SCORPIONS SONGS.

Anyway, today’s video is “Don’t Believe Her”, which uses footage from that same concert as the video I posted last week, but it is not really a live video. I guess they just wanted as many videos as possible featuring the guitarist wearing a hat normally only seen on 14 yr old girls from the early 90s. Anyway, it’s a great song, but good luck not spending the rest of the day repeating the chorus over and over.

She’ll make your heart break

She’ll give you fever

Says you’re the only one

But don’t believe her…

Oh man, now I’m doing it.