Brad: It appears that the tough chick from Aliens is shooting down F-16s with an uzi from the deck of a patrol boat. Now think of how much the people who made Operation Thunderbolt must have hated the very concept of fun for something that awesome to get turned into such a boring video game.
Stryker: Hey, remember all those hapless little boats you used to effortlessly blow up in Jungle Strike while they fired back at you ineffectively? This the the video game world’s attempt to teach you empathy.
Brad: Holy shit! If the actual game was even remotely anything like its title screen, there’d be no reason to play any other game ever, for the rest of your life. RPM Racing may have saved the entire game industry by not living up to its potential, but I’m not entirely sure the trade off was worth it.
Stryker: Usually when a game is nothing at all like what its box and title screen suggest, I personally feel a bit cheated. But this is so much worse. This is like all of society got cheated.
Brad: I gave myself a high five when I saw that Top Score. I had always been a little unclear on what Diamond Dallas Page’s wrestling persona was supposed to be. I had always guessed “guy who goes to a lot of strip clubs”, but I guess all along it was really supposed to be “guy who’s pretty good at the Clown of Terror pinball machine”.
Stryker: Look, I’m no psychologist, but if this is what a “Pinball Fantasy” looks like to you, you’re a serial killer. Let’s hope the game distracts you enough that you get sloppy and the police catch you before you claim another victim.
Road Riot 4WD
Brad: Here’s the track select screen for Road Riot 4WD. Each location is represented by a caricature of someone who symbolizes that area. Las Vegas has Fat Elvis, the Middle East has a sheik, and Ohio is… a hipster? That’s not quite what I envision when I think of Ohio stereotypes, but I guess maybe the ultimate symbol of Ohio – you know, that sticker of Calvin pissing on things – is trademarked, so they couldn’t use it.
Stryker: I’m more curious about what kind of track is being represented by Rick James down the the lower left corner. You know that’s going to be good.
Brad: There’s just something so surreal about shooting a giant smiley face named “Shootme” while it just sits there grinning at you. It’s like David Lynch designed a SNES game.
Stryker: Why is there a maze full of smiley faces sitting on the outskirts of town anyway? Are we in a zoo for smileys?